Bless me, for I have sinned.

So WW is all about weighing yourself at a regularly scheduled time so that you get a more accurate idea of your weight.  People who do it online just commit to one day/time when they do it once a week.  Meeting people like me do it right before their meetings. I of course cannot simply do that.  I weigh myself, EVERY DAY.  Every morning, I wake up, I pee and then I weigh myself.  This does two things for me.  It keeps me aware of my weight.  I know it is not accurate necessarily but it quickly tells me if my weight is going up, up and up.  Or, if its going down.  And, I need this, I need this hyper vigilance of my weight because it is a serious amount that I have to lose. This works for me of course most times but not this week.  This week my weight has been stagnant, normally I like to see a change by day 4 of weighing myself but its keeping steady and that makes me frustrated.  It frustrates me because this week I have done all my tracking, I've actually eaten well under my points most days and I've worked out everyday, so why am I not seeing results.  I fear I might be headed towards the dreaded plateau.  A place I do not want to be! I think what I will start doing is recording my weight every time I do it and then comparing that to what I'm told at my meeting I weigh.  That way I can see how well weighing myself everyday works and whether it accurately keeps me in line.  I know I just should not weigh myself everyday, but I can't help it.  This is one sin I openly will commit again.

Hunger Games

I feel like sometimes my hunger turns into the most formidable being in the world.  Like another person in the room with me who is looming over my shoulder while I'm trying to do other things.  Today has been one of those days.  For the first time I actually tracked ALL of my meals for the day ahead of time (yesterday in fact) and yet since waking I've been extremely hungry.  Beyond what I planned on eating.  I thought I could control it but it has been uphill all day and the day is just getting started.

This morning I had my regular oatmeal breakfast.  For lunch I'm having ground turkey with brown rice and a salad on the side. Not bad I would say.  In between breakfast and lunch I've gotten in the habit of having fruit as a snack everyday, because I usually have breakfast at about 6:30 am and lunch is not until 12:16 pm.  Except today one piece of fruit has turned into 2 mandarins, 1 small banana, about 10 baby carrots and 1 cheese stick. Perhaps not the end of the world in many people's eyes but when you're trying to lose as much as me, EVERYTHING counts. WTF? Why am I so hungry? And this was after I played what I think of as the hunger games of my life, a game that I often lose.  I did the whole, "acknowledge your hunger, wait ten minutes then check again".  I also had the "maybe its not hunger maybe it's thirst" conversation with myself and drank water after the first mandarin and banana.  Then I said well maybe it's just knowing the food is there, so I got up and walked out of my classroom and walked around my floor twice, in my attempt to walk away from temptation, but when I sat at my desk the hunger just came roaring back! I get this way sometimes, where I feel like hunger is just taking over. Not cool when you're trying to loose large and longtime amounts of weight.  Now, I'm drinking water again, trying to expunge my eating guilt through blog posting.  Should I be feeling this guilt? I don't know, but I do.  And, I'm left wondering if ultimately my endgame will be what I want it to be.  The end is still a way to go but I so want to get there.  And, now I fear the things that might derail my train.

From the ashes!

I went back to my meeting, like I said I would, and imagine my happy surprise to learn that even though I had missed three months worth of meetings I had lost a little over 1lb! That's means I succeeded at maintaining my weight loss for an extended period of time even when I was barely on plan. My mind set has truly changed. I really do find myself thinking in points and calculating in my head how many points things will be. That means that I am remaining aware of my food choices and not mindlessly eating.  And even when I know I am WAY off plan and am going to eat/drink something anyway I'm still counting in my head. That is something I never thought possible and I'm excited to know I'm living this reality.

So on the day of my return to the meeting I was asked to come and participate on a panel for WW and discuss my success.  Imagine my surprise.  Ever since I went to that panel discussion for people who had over 75lbs to lose it has been my ambition to be on one of those panels.  It was so inspirational to me.  (I wonder why I never blogged it?)  So anyway I was super nervous but excited as well.  And, I, rocked, it!! My friend was there to support me and she told me I was the best speaker and I was funny which put everyone at ease.  I showed pictures of before and I even showed a picture of myself in a shirt I bought a year and a half ago to go to dinner with friends and which I wore this past new year as a dress.  I made it a point to tell people that for me all I wanted was to make it from one week to the next.   I was both inspirational and inspired and it was great to tell people that I had lost 69 lbs up to this point.  The next day at my meeting my leader thanked me again and even highlighted some of what I said and mentioned that his favorite part was me showing the shirt that I then wore as a dress.  He complimented me on my clothes that day too, saying the outfit I picked was perfect. I found this rather humorous but thanked him as graciously as I could.

Now Sunday's meeting had me on the brink of tears.  My weigh-in had me at a 75lbs loss.  OMG!!! I still say it and its like what?! I can still remember trying to lose the first 5 let alone 75.  I feel so rewarded, so wonderfully blessed to have made it this far.  And the thing is, that looking back it doesn't seem like much time has gone by, but going through it, it seems like its taken forever!  And I still have more to go.  That was one idea I wanted to impart that day.  I was not at my goal.  I still have 40 or so pounds to go, and there are some people who only have 40 or less pounds in total.  But this is a life journey for all of us, one that I must be on for the rest of my life, if I want to be successful.  But I can do that.  More importantly I WANT to do that, I want this success to be permanent. It is an ambition now and that is what I want forever.  So here's to rising from the ashes, to falling down and picking myself up, to walking on cloud 9 and staying with the fight:)

Been a loooong time...

I was shocked to see that I had not posted since October.  This is my New Year's post.  I've been on a crazy coaster of activity, emotions, and life in general.   I have not been to a meeting since September I think, I'm not really sure, and have fallen off plan.  Well sort of.  I mean in all this time I have still been thinking in terms of points, eating less than I did, once upon a time, and generally have kept my weight in the same range.  So I'm engaged in what Weight Watchers calls maintenance; but it is time for more.  I have to be honest I have lost some of the drive.  Not the want of course, but the push I used to feel.  I think a large part of that is related to not being back for my meetings.  I wonder if the same people are there, or if some have reached their goals and so left, or if like me some have just fallen away? I wonder if my team leader is still there, because I think I would hate it if there was someone else.

I need a jolt of something, I just don't know what it is.  I think that this is the time when motivation and inspiration need to hit again.  They need to call me up so we can hang out together; because I feel like that drunken person standing on the curb with that confused look on their face like they don't know where they are going or where they have been.  Not the best feeling I must say.  Today is Friday.  The end of the week. I am tired, I have been sick for what feels like most of December into January and I'm not looking forward to all the chores that await me at home.  But, I started working out again two days ago, I'm back on plan tracking all of my meals and keep track of my healthy habits, and Sunday is a chance to go back to my meeting and get back on track all the way.  The power of positive thinking, the power of positive thinking...If I keep the mantra up, I think I just might do something with myself.