I'm missing out on a lot

I missed my meeting.  I know that missing meetings is not a good thing, and I know that I need to keep myself going because that keeps me on track and motivated.  Honestly I didn't go because of a combination of reasons. Firstly, because my weight gain has been really bad.  Secondly, I was in too much pain from derby to have any motivation.  Instead I took about 2 hours getting ready and went food shopping.  I mapped out my day's worth of food for today and tomorrow.  I'm hoping that by doing this I'm on my way to getting back on track.  Understandably my weight gain has been exponential because I have been purposely out of control.  How can one do this purposefully? I am always fully aware that I should not be eating something, even while I am swallowing it down.

No control. My main problem and the story of my life...

You know what's another thing that I keep doing?  I keep eating and then taking a nap.  Putting myself in a food coma on purpose.  I think that what's happening is that the eating is making me happy (the way food always does) and the sleeping is making it so that I don't have to feel the backlash of negative emotions I feel when I don't eat the way I should.

This pattern has been going on for several months.  I think my goal for this week will have to be to try and stop this.  I hope that getting back to an exercise routine will help to do this by boosting my energy levels.  I can't really think of another way to break this cycle.  Sometimes I tell myself "well stupid" if you would just stop going to bed then problem solved!  Although in reality, if it was just a matter of "don't do it" I would most likely not be having this problem.  

Ok so my positive thoughts for the week to make sure I make it through. Track, track, track...get my but up doing my new exercise routine, and maybe stop calling myself stupid.  I can be really harsh, what's that about? Oh yeah, its just me being me...

Derby Days: Even my thoughts hurt

Ugh, the next day after a work out doing things you never do with your body is ALWAYS the worst! I  am in so much pain that I want to just die, because rigor mortis sets in and that means my body freezes and I don't have to move.

Yesterday's assistant teacher actually said "you want to lean your body to the point that you are just suspended in the air".  I don't know about you but I can't fly, nor float for that matter, so to be told to bend sideways to the point that pieces of me are "suspended in the air" is not just difficult but seriously painful.  Of course he showed us what he was talking about and he did indeed look like he was floating in the air but sweet lord is my body NOT ready for that.  Suffice it to say I fell so hard I'm pretty sure I had to pick up my butt cheek when I stood back up.

This is just one of the reason's everything hurts.  Of course the other reason is that I'm terribly out of shape.  I have been gaining ridiculous amounts of weight, not working out even a bit and yet asking my body to hold itself up.  I need to get it together because otherwise things are not going to go well. (sigh)

Oh yeah and tomorrow I'm going to start my derby specific workout routine.  First thing I had to do was a test to see how strong my core was.  I had to do a one leg/one arm up plank.  I was able to hold that for ohhhhh.... I'd say 0:00 seconds.  Yup, I couldn't even get my arm and leg off the floor.   I'm going to blame that on the muscle soreness I'm already feeling and not on the ridiculousness that is my body! I recorded a video, if it wasn't so tragic it would be funny. I really hope that I'll watch it someday and think of it as funny. (sigh...again)

I'm still holding on; still working to make it through.  I don't want to quit so I need to make sure I do the things off skate that will help me get there.

I also think I need a place to practice being on my skates... I'll see if I tackle this next week.

Derby Days: what is this pain?

My first day of derby basic training began with me arriving 10 mins late because I had to go to Brooklyn and like any true Manhattanite I don't bother with the outer boroughs until forced.  I had my brand new gear, my fresh load of fear, and the frantic thoughts of "what was I thinking?" running through my mind. Luckily being late did two things for me: 1. It gave just enough adrenaline that as I rushed to get there my body was two steps ahead of my brain and thus 2. It left me with little chance to talk myself into just turning around and going home. I ran out and jumped right into the floor exercises.

Ok first off, there needs be a "gear" class.  Something that teaches the inept people like me how to put all this crap on. I am happy to say that Vicious Van Gogo was there to at least help me with my helmet. She was very sweet to help and explain things.  I was the last person on the track because it just took me so long. And, I don't think I quite figured out my elbow pads. I need a YouTube "how to" video, STAT!  Secondly, my back hurts.  I think I was born without a core. Is that possible? If it is then I'm it! Finally, I am totally intimidated by awesome chicks on skates.  I am not above admitting that I am downright feeling teeny tiny in the ego area when it comes to this stuff.  I need to up my inner sense of "badassness". If that's not a word, I'm gonna make it one! I'm starting a badassness meter. My meter is currently at 0. 

Day 1 I am happy to say I actually stayed on my skates for the entire time we were on them (I haven't really skated  since I was about 11 or so). Day 2 I fell but only after I was clipped by someone else's skate, so I feel this does not seem too bad for maintaining my balance. By the time the 2 hours of day 1 was over I could already feel things starting to ache, by the next morning my whole body was on fire.  

It has now been two practices. I have come to the realization that I need to start working out during the week. Waiting until practice is not good.  Of course I haven't actually done any working out, it's just that I REALIZE I need to workout.  I am not yet feeling motivated to get the hell up off my butt.  Right now I am dealing with my depression, which among other things makes me feel a bit defeated before I even begin (see badassness meter reference above). It also makes me hungry. I am eating all kinds of nonsense and despite the fact that I am aware of this, I am doing it anyway. Eating makes me feel in control even when it signifies the exact opposite. Sometimes perception is stronger than fact.  I have finished an entire pack of Oreos on my own (in about two days). I'm pretty sure my cousins haven't had any, so it was all me (if this continues my BAN meter is going to dip into the negative digits). 

On that note my fatassness meter is at about a 7. This is No Bueno.  My cousin suggested I could call myself Bronx Zu as a derby name, here's hoping it's because I will eventually skate like a badass animal, both graceful and deadly, rather than eat like a fatass one, both copiously and slothful. (No offense to sloths, who are in my opinion quite lean. Additionally, no animals where intentionally harmed or insulted in the creation of the previous metaphor). 

I am not going to be successful at derby if I don't get it together and since I have spent all this money on gear and classes I want to be successful. I am going to try a derby geared workout program. I'm hoping to get it together now that I'm going into week three! I need to go home and clean out my cupboards again. I have to get rid of all my "non-clean" food.  I need to start tracking my points and getting my head in the literal and figurative game. I need to get off my butt! 

Here's to new beginnings.

Time is a fickle thing

It has been a year since I last posted and that year has been quite a ride.  I have lost and gained, triumphed and quit, I have gone off weight watchers (though still paid every month), did one exercise program after another and came out slightly better and worse in the end.  I lost as many as 95 lbs and have seen changes in myself I would not have imagined. But things have not remained on the upswing.  I never set a weight goal, not surprisingly I never reached one.  And, although it aught to seem obvious I am not entirely sure (convinced) that they are connected to one another.  I am in a dark place and I'm. It sure that I know all the causes of it (my therapist and I are working on it).  But, here is what I do know:

1. My struggle still continues

2. I am not happy with my progress recently

3. My depression has reared its ugly head and thus the source of #2

4. I am backsliding with my weight, again see #2

5. I want something to change so badly it makes my eyes burn with the tears I am not shedding out of desperation and fear of a full breakdown 

6. I have joined a roller derby training group (I know this is completely out of left field). 

7. I am hoping that this connection to something different then what I am used to, something new and challenging in entirely different ways, and something that is outside my comfort zone because it requires physical exertion, also provides the boost towards positivity of body and mind that I need. 

I'm going to start posting about my Derby experience on this blog. Every Derby entrance will be entitled Derby Days. I'm hoping this will help me find threads between all the things connected to my life and weight loss so I can start to work on those parts of myself. I'm still going to make weight watchers work for me and I still have high hopes for finally reaching a sense of peace within myself. 

I am a work in progress, as we all are, now I just need to actually get back to work.