Time is a fickle thing

It has been a year since I last posted and that year has been quite a ride.  I have lost and gained, triumphed and quit, I have gone off weight watchers (though still paid every month), did one exercise program after another and came out slightly better and worse in the end.  I lost as many as 95 lbs and have seen changes in myself I would not have imagined. But things have not remained on the upswing.  I never set a weight goal, not surprisingly I never reached one.  And, although it aught to seem obvious I am not entirely sure (convinced) that they are connected to one another.  I am in a dark place and I'm. It sure that I know all the causes of it (my therapist and I are working on it).  But, here is what I do know:

1. My struggle still continues

2. I am not happy with my progress recently

3. My depression has reared its ugly head and thus the source of #2

4. I am backsliding with my weight, again see #2

5. I want something to change so badly it makes my eyes burn with the tears I am not shedding out of desperation and fear of a full breakdown 

6. I have joined a roller derby training group (I know this is completely out of left field). 

7. I am hoping that this connection to something different then what I am used to, something new and challenging in entirely different ways, and something that is outside my comfort zone because it requires physical exertion, also provides the boost towards positivity of body and mind that I need. 

I'm going to start posting about my Derby experience on this blog. Every Derby entrance will be entitled Derby Days. I'm hoping this will help me find threads between all the things connected to my life and weight loss so I can start to work on those parts of myself. I'm still going to make weight watchers work for me and I still have high hopes for finally reaching a sense of peace within myself. 

I am a work in progress, as we all are, now I just need to actually get back to work.