Back in the Saddle Again!

Last week was expectedly disappointing.  I had a 2.6 pound weight gain but I determined that I would think positive and I did.  Yes, I gained two pounds but it was over the course of two weeks.  Yes, I gained two pounds but even with those two I still had over a 50lbs weight loss; and yes, I gained two pounds but I was determined to get back on plan, track my butt off, workout, and get back to being a loser in the best sense of the word.  And, that is exactly what I did.  I this week I lost 3.4 lbs.  Now coupled with the gain that 3.4 loss means I'm only 0.8 lbs less then I was at my last lowest, but still... every little bit helps.  I haven't always been the most positive person (and I'm not going to link to any of my old posts because you can look at ALL of my old posts and see that negativity is a big part of who I am) still I feel myself changing from the outside in and the inside out.  It's like my transformation is coming at my from all angles and to be honest it is both exciting and a little frightening.

I want to lose weight, and if I was happy with the old me I would not have felt a need to bring about so much change in myself, but to see yourself becoming someone else leads you into the "what if I don't recognize who I am at the end of this?" territory.  A happy, sad, crazy, and pretty much everywhere on the bipolar scale prospect.  Excited yes, but a still if I am honest with myself, definitely frightening.  Its so much easier to keep the status quo.  I'll have to think on this more.  But on to my meeting today.

So, my meeting was good.  We discussed how to make, order and enjoy a good salad.  Because some people think as long as the word "salad" is included in what you eat then it doesn't matter.  Not knowing or acknowledging that once you get done adding toppings and extras to it, your once healthy salad can be has points/calories/fat dense as any other meal.  People add all this stuff to their salads because they are seriously under the mistaken impression that as long as its on a bed of lettuce anything is healthy or good for you or good for your weight management plan (Sort of like the way I approach non-fat frozen yogurt. "Sure I can add those nothing but sugar loaded and fattening cookie dough bites, mini peanut butter cups, sprinkles and/or cheese cake bits...this yogurt is fat free!"). 

As I was saying...It was a good meeting and full of good advice.  We had an interim leader who took over for my normal leader who is on vacation.  She wasn't my favorite but she was very enthusiastic, and much better this time around then she was last week (hmmmm...I wonder....maybe my weight gain/loss was coloring my perception?).  Anyway next week its back to our regular leader, although she did do something I liked.  She not only celebrated any good news (aka weight loss) but she asked what people attributed this week's success to, that was inspiring to hear what others did. My answer: "Exercise, tracking, and getting back in the saddle when I was bucked off my horse!"

A Day of Reckoning

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I am so nervous I don't know what to do with myself.  I know I will have a weight gain of anywhere from 2-4 lbs.  I've been very bad this week, as seen here and here, and although I began again today and did very well I know I am not going to see the kind of progress I want by tomorrow.  I keep going over this dilema of whether or not I should skip my meeting.  Intellectually I know I shouldn't.  And, really according to the plan and how it works the whole point of the meeting is moments just like these.  They help you stay on track and do what you're supposed to do.  Still, I can't help but want to pull an ostrich.

I hate the feeling of failure.  Thinking of the big picture 2-4 lbs of weight gain still has me at a 50-52 lbs overall weight loss but still, my eternal pessimism isn't equipped to handle that kind of positive thinking.  It is such a daily struggle to look on the bright side and keep myself going.  Like I'm constantly running low on something that seems like it should come so easily...positive outlook.  I think I need to pull a Stewart Smalley if I'm going to make it through tomorrow without binging because I'm sad and depressed and I'm hoping this blog will reinforce my previous belief.  So I'm going to go to my meeting, I'm going to accept that I did not do what I knew I should be doing, and I'm going to go from there.

Taking the time.

Ugh! One of my goals was to increase my workouts and find some kind of exercise balance.  I find that when it comes to exercise it is so easy to just forget about it.  This is by far the hardest part of trying to control my weight.  I know I have the time I just can't seem to take the time to do it.  I think that this is what's causing me problems now more then anything else.  I feel comfortable enough now with Weigh Watchers and the point system that it usually takes me a day to get my eating back on track despite my ups and down. If I could just get into a routine of working out then I think that how I eat would be second to that in which of the two will make me feel is the most beneficial to my weight loss.  But actually getting up and doing something? This is perhaps the hardest thing.

I'm just going to say it I am lazy by nature, inclined to sit and do nothing than to get up and move.  I will always struggle with this it seems and I don't know how to address it.  I'm just not into the exercise and I don't know what to do to motivate myself.   The frustrating thing is that I have been improving in how I see exercise and how I approach it and I even have seen how much exercising can lead to improvement. For a time I was exercising with my friend here in my house over FaceTime and that kept me motivated but her life and schedule has changed and so that has not worked anymore.  We've both seem to have fallen off the workout wagon.  I also go to the gym near my job when my coworker is available and when I'm actually at work.  But lately I've been on vacation so I don't go to the gym because I don't want to go alone.  Yesterday I went to the park and did a two mile walk with another friend (Do you notice a pattern?).  It seems that I need that other person with me to exercise.  I'm not one to be intrinsically motivated.  I don't want to go anywhere alone and I need that person to lean on.

This makes me feel terrible.  I can't help but ask myself "why can't I do this on my own?" I hate being dependent on others for that motivation but it is what I need.  It's the reason that Weight Watchers works for me.  The meetings make me feel like someone is there with me and watching me, giving me support and encouragement and keeping me under the microscope, which keeps me working at it.  So now, I need a weight watchers exercise program!  Because, I am starting to lose it.  I've called my coworker again.  Maybe when I start up work again I can get back to the gym.  Something has got to give.

I know why, I just won't admit it!

There's a moment in the movie Fools Rush In when Salma Hayek is yelling at her love interest. Matthew Perry (said love interest) is trying to explain why he's been an absentee husband and she interrupts him by yelling EXCUSES, EXCUSES! in her oh so wonderfully accented English.  That's how I feel lately, I have her voice on loop in my brain...

So I had every intention of making this vacation time a period of good and healthy eating and regular and active workout.  None of the that happened.  Why? Well let me give you a few "reasons".........

Ok I don't have any, let me tell you my excuses, I've been tired, my back's been hurting me, I had a BBQ, ran out of the healthy food....See all of these might seem like pretty good reasons but the Salma in my head seems to disagree.  I missed my meeting after the BBQ and my scale at home says my weight is increasing.  It's hot outside so all I want to do is stay cool and oddly enough I don't want to eat whole meals I just want to eat ice cream or anything cold, that's it.  So instead I've been laying about being lazy and terrible.  I'm out of motivation again...sigh.