Email to a great person!!!

I sent out an email to a great person and I wanted to share a part of the email with everyone.  It's coming in at the middle (sort of) so don't worry if you don't understand the very beginning.  It's more what I say about myself that I'd like people to focus on anyway.

"...I look forward however to being in the place where you seem to be, where it is just a natural part of who I am and the life I lead to be conscious of food and to use it to feed my body when I need it, not how I use it now to feed my body even when I don't need it and to feed my emotions all the time.  I find that it is the psychological toll, as much as the physical one, that this weight has taken on me which makes this so hard.

However, I am learning about staying positive (which is perhaps one of the hardest things I have had to learn, one would think eating better would be the hard part but it strangely isn't).  Positive thinking is so anathema to my way of being, I don't know why negativity rules me so much but it seems to be ingrained.  I think what has made this journey so different from the ones before it is the support and the number of people who seem to want to see me succeed.  And, I know that the reason is because I am so much more willing to be open about this journey then ones I have taken before.  Other times weight loss has felt like a private burden I have to bare, something to be ashamed of because my weight was my fault but it doesn't feel that way this time. Or, at least not totally.  And that's something I also have slowly needed to learn to deal with as well.  But, I'm trying. I'm just hoping that I don't decide to throw the towel in before the final round!"

End of email!  I know its back to back with my other post but some of this I think needed to be shared.

Party in my Pants, and You're invited!

So a student looks at me today and says..."Miss, you look like you're wearing pajamas."  Imagine my dismay when I look down and see that she's right, my pants which I just bought this past September for the beginning of the school year do indeed look like something I'd wear to lounge around my house.  Those pants are now at least 1 size too big and they looked a little like clown pants.  (insert circus music here)

Now slight insult aside, I was feeling a crazy mix of emotions.  I'm going to focus on the top three. I was pleased, frustrated, and a little sad.  I'm starting to think I'm just on the cusp of an emotional breakthrough or insanity.  I was pleased that in her own way, although she basically was telling me I was not dressed appropriately, she was inadvertently complementing me on my weight loss.  My pants never looked like pajamas before and the only thing that's different about me is the 22lbs I'm not carrying around.  I was frustrated at the immediate following thought of "oh no, this means I need to buy more clothes soon, but I can't afford them".  And finally I was a bit sad, sad that my weight situation has taken me to such a point that this one comment about the state of my pants could lead me on an emotional roller coaster.  I have never been able to take a compliment, I fret and cry over insults, but to be so moved by a simple observation means I need to start thinking about my emotional responses a little more.  Which by the way can get really exhausting!  So here's to contemplating more of what makes me, me, and not needing to turn to cookies when I think my emotions are getting the better of me.

Perhaps this pants party is getting to be more than I can handle!!

Just keep swimming

So I was again dreading coming to a meeting. This week I was upset because my car was in the shop and I wasn't sleeping well or getting a chance to exercise because I kept having to deal with getting to and from work. I only worked out twice. Once Monday and once Thursday. Not very motivational. I barely tracked so begrudgingly added what I was eating, it was extremely hard because of the feeling of guilt I had over not being healthy in my eating. Then of course I was at work eating girls scout cookies. Trefoils and Samoas are so delicious and such an indulgence. I needed to indulge. So I came to the meeting with dread in my heart. The results are a sign of just how little I understand food or how this program really works.

I got to my weigh-in and found I was down 3lbs!! How is that possible? I know you get extra points and stuff but I used them. I had steak 2 nights in a row. Alcohol. Some cream covered/smothered chicken and potatoes. It was all more then I thought was going to still help me keep my weight loss going. So when I saw such a significant weight drop after two weeks of less then a pound of weight loss, my confusion was complete. I think I need to look more closely at all of the foods I actually eat. I think I'm missing something but I'm going to keep going until I figure it out. And, if I never do but reach my goal then at least I'll know I was doing something right.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swwwwiiiiiimmmmmm.

Setback times two.

So Sunday I had my weigh in and it was MUCH LESS than I had hoped for. I had only a .4lb weight loss. But that days meeting was about positive thoughts so the good thing is that I lost. Bringing my total up to 19lbs. Woohoo. Negativity is an issue with me. I find that if I'm feeling down, which is often, I get hungry. But lately it seems as if my mind can't distinguish between sadness and hunger. Just yesterday I was lying in bed and I felt hungry. I did the usual stopping and asking myself, "am I really hungry?". The only answer I could come up with was "I think so." I eventually had a light string cheese but I was left with the disconcerting feeling that I still don't know whether I was hungry or not. How can a person not tell if they're really hungry even when they step back to examine themselves? Maybe I asked myself the wrong questions. If so, I need to figure out what the right questions are because I can see this being a serious hurdle in my weight loss.

Setbacks!

No workout for me! I'm afraid of going to my meeting tomorrow. This week I have tracked but I've had an exercising setback. Because of going to a forum, my need to grade, and dinner plans I didn't get to exercise at all! So not cool.

I am anticipating that tomorrow may be the first day of either weight gain or simply not losing. Either of those two scenarios would be personally devastating. What I need to keep in mind however, is that it is not the end and that I don't start over on Monday I start over immediately. I think that anticipating the negative emotions will help me deal with them in a healthy manner. Rather than trying to eat my way to feeling better, I can face them and come out on top. At least that's what I'm hoping for. (Of course I'm saying all this while deep down inside still hoping for at least some kind of weight loss.)

Well. Today is another day and all that! I might as well get up and start now. Right? I need motivation!

Trying to work it out!

So yesterday I exhibited my usual inability to say no to food and said yes to this fruit tart that the chef next door to me sent a student with. Mmmmm.....it was all kinds of delicious.  That would not have been so bad if later that day I didn't decide to go out and celebrate my coworker's birthday.  Now in terms of alcohol consumption I was a good girl.  One glass of cabernet sauvignon.  However the fried wings were another matter entirely.  They were little half wings with a side of blue cheese dressing.  Of course the first serving I had 4 because I was still trying to be a good girl, but, by the second serving of 5 more I felt like crap.  I quickly upon finishing it had a glass of water and then called it a night.  I don't know that I have ever run away from hanging out but that's exactly what I did.  I recognized that my will power was not stronger than that tray of wings, so I cut out.

I'm both proud and annoyed at myself.  My fat ass could not take the heat of being near fatty, fried and delicious food, I felt like an alcoholic in the middle of a bar (Not a bad analogy since I was, in fact, in the middle of a bar). However, I was proud that I had the will power to get out at all, a few weeks ago I would have said "screw it, I'll start over tomorrow" and proceeded to devour those chickens like a fox in a hen house.

I came home, I worked out, had residual guilt and worked out again this morning.  Plus I'm anticipating I may be going out to have a few drinks tonight, and as I've said in previous posts that's a whole epic journey in itself.

State of mind? Strangely optimistic, exasperated with myself and proud.

Can't say no!

I have this terrible habit of feeling bad about saying no to food.  Saying yes to food and telling you how much I love the food you are giving me is my way of saying "I love you".  Not a good thing when you're watching your weight and a downright TERRIBLE thing when you're morbidly obese.  Its crazy that I sometimes find myself incapable of saying "I do love you and that you would offer me this deliciously decadent piece of ...(insert food here), but I can't eat it" as if people will take it personally should I refuse food.

Case in point.  My parents just got back from the Dominican Republic.  Of course like any self-respecting Dominicans they come fully loaded with goodies to distribute to their children.  I got the requisite bottle of liquor and my cousin sent me a brick of "dulce de leche".  To non-Dominican's dulce de leche is a sweet caramel like substance made from milk and sugar.  The Dominican version is much denser, giving off a consistency that is closer to fudge or a brownie than caramel like pudding.  In essence its just a brick of sugar, a diabetics worse nightmare, a hypoglycemic's wet dream!  I have no intention of eating this thing.  Once upon a time I would have hoarded it and eaten it as fast as possible so that no one would try to take any from me, yes I was both that fat and that greedy, but I'm trying to change.  I had the perfect chance to tell my mom, "Aww that's so sweet but I'm on a diet you should give it to people at church, or some kids, or ANYONE WHO ISN'T ME!" But of course I didn't.  What if it got back to my cousin that I didn't take it? So now I have this thing in my house and I'm thinking I'm going to start giving pieces away to my neighbors or something.  Or bring it in to work to distribute.  Anything to get that thing out of my house. 

I need to take a lesson in learning how to communicate a little better, for an English major I need to work on my use of words.  Why am I afraid of angering or upsetting people by rejecting food? 

So I have decided on this Note to Self: Rejection of food is not rejection of the person who made it. (Repeat to self until ingrained in sub-cranium)