Ok, so that didn't work.

So that last post lasted all of one day.  I'm lost as to what is going on. I don't have any motivation at all and I'm not sure what is happening right about now.  I'm all rearing to go and then fizzle out before the day is done.  My weight is steadily climbing and I'm showing no kind of self control.  So I'm starting again.  Ugh...I'm really upset at myself and I know that's not a good way to motivate or stay motivated, but it is how I feel.  Totally defeated.

New Beginnings

I recently changed the background on my phone to one that says "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about".  I cannot get the fact that I need to get back to my weight loss off my mind, back to working out and feeling better.  So although all I want to do is give up I won't because I really want this to work, because I've already accomplished so much so far, and because I'd like to think that when it comes to my weight loss it's too late to stop now.  Of course it's not but I'd like to think that it is.  I have accomplished goals and then lost them.  I reached Onederland and then promptly got myself thrown out!  So here I am, again beginning something that has not really ended.  And, I'm not waiting until Sunday or Monday giving myself the excuse that starting a diet/life change at the beginning of a week seems more even and symmetrical.   I am beginning today because I woke up today, because I'm lighter today than I might be on Sunday if I go without my plan, and because once again I want to go back to those feelings of accomplishment, of positive thinking and of possibilities I had before.  Why have I gone off track? Why does anyone? Life, stressed, depressed, tired, who knows?  What I do know is that I spent the grand part of my life with food being the controlling central factor, and for a year now that all changed.  It was still central but not controlling and I'm ready to get back to that point.  It has been a few weeks but that is not that long.  It's an extended vacation! I can do this, I know I can, I've done it before!

Here's to new beginnings; with purpose and strength in my stride!

WTF?

Ummm, not only have I fallen off of the bandwagon, but its left me way behind and to the point that I can't even see a smoke cloud and no hitchhikers will pick me up.

I know what I need to do, but for the life of me I just can't seem to want to do it.  Notice that I didn't say I can't do it.  I've done it before so I know I CAN do it.  But, I don't WANT to do it...and that makes all the difference!

On the road to nowhere...

I've recently had a major setback.  I gained 10 lbs.  Of course I know why I gained it.  I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for.  I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from.  And, it is all due to eating emotionally.  I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me.  And I know that it is a problem that I have.  I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?"  Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals.  I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.

Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt.  Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick.  But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with.  In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite.  Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough.  Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun.  So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him.  That's food to me.  There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.

I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it.  It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live.  But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.

I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this.  To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road.  Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere.  A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest.  I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it.  My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.