I've recently had a major setback. I gained 10 lbs. Of course I know why I gained it. I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for. I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from. And, it is all due to eating emotionally. I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me. And I know that it is a problem that I have. I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?" Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals. I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.
Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt. Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick. But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with. In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite. Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough. Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun. So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him. That's food to me. There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.
I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it. It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live. But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.
I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this. To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road. Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere. A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest. I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it. My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.
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