Where does the time go?

I know a lot of my time went into not following the plan.  Summer came and although I had all kinds of good intentions my good intentions went nowhere. I gained weight over the summer rather than losing it and I felt my weight loss was becoming a burden rather than a good thing.  But, all things change as they must and for the past three weeks I have been riding high.  I'm trying to come back into my positive attitude, I've been working out every morning and I have been tracking, tracking, tracking!! When you are on plan, tracking is the thing that you are constantly reminded of, because the truth is the more you track the more aware you are of what you eat and the less likely you are to over do it.  Tracking is really just a way to not only count your points but to journal your food and I sound like the commercial but it genuinely works.  So, my plans for now...keep tracking, keep positive and be creative:) I know I can do it, I've done it before.

I'm a weekday warrior!

During the week I am on plan and on the go.  When I'm on plan and motivated, I feel like nothing can keep me down.  Wake up early to workout? No problem.  Track all your food? In the bag.  Make good choices? So easy its laughable.  But then the weekend comes and with it Armageddon   Let me tell you that having to go through the end of the world when it comes to my healthy habits, every weekend, is exhausting.  I have no set routine.  I might be doing this or doing that and so I seem to lose all will power and ability to make good choices.  I suddenly resent the strictures that during the week, I embrace.  I make food plans and then break them with no issues.  Case in point.  This past Saturday I went to a birthday party for a 6 year old.  In the morning I had a sensible breakfast.  I went over to my friend's house and we did half of our scheduled workout, not ideal but still good.  I had a sensible well balanced lunch, two hard boiled, toast, apple, orange and banana.  Tracked it all and all was right in my world...Then I find myself in front of a table of appetizers, two fried pastelitos (beef patties), kipes (which are also fried), then the most incredible thing: I'm sitting next to a bag of candy.  I reach in a take one, it was Willy Wonka taffy.  Then I reach in and take another.  The whole time I'm talking, laughing and generally enjoying myself and in the back of my mind ignoring that little voice that is telling me to stop eating the candy.  I then of course get into a battle with myself, where I tell myself to stop being so damn controlling because it's only one day, while simultaneously telling myself I really should stop eating the candy.  I'm my own bickering married couple, all while smiling and joking at the people around me.  The thing is, I really had no business eating that candy.  I didn't particularly want it.  It wasn't necessarily something I craved. And currently as I type this during my break period, in between classes, in the desk behind me there are two snickers bars that have been there for over a week.  I think about them often, really want to eat them, but then consider that I could get a whole meal for the points "cost" of those bars and tell myself its not worth it.  And I don't eat them.  Simple as that. So what is it about the weekends, the lack of routine, and social settings that makes staying on plan so damn hard?

I fight the battle and win the day Monday through Friday (afternoon), and then, I crash like, Custard losing the battle on week end days.  Do you know that's the worst part.  It will take me one week of being good to loose 1 lb and one day of being bad to gain 1 and 1/2 back (sigh).  But, the fight must go on....

There's a Rumbly in my Tumbly!

"Hum dum de dum, hum dum de dum
I'm so rumbly in my tumblyTime to munch an early luncheonHum dum de dum, dum
Read more: WINNIE THE POOH - RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY LYRICS 

Oh Pooh Bear, you're so right on the money! Breakfast this morning was delicious, scrambled egg whites, 2oz of turkey breast deli slices, and a slice of Swiss cheese on a sandwich thin bun, 6 points of wonderful and filling.  However, I find myself here at work, falling asleep after a strange night of tossing and turning and I am having one realization after another.

First, being tired makes me hungry.  I found myself eating an apple right before my first class started almost as if the food would give me a pick me up and I suppose it did, because I got through class ok and my students were none the wiser about how I felt.  Once the class was over though, the yawning commenced and I felt like I was hungry again.  I thought to myself maybe I should get some coffee to pick me up, so I went downstairs to the teacher's cafeteria.  While there I purchased a cup of coffee, which I then put half and half and too much sugar into (not good), then I purchased 2 small bananas and a  fruit salad made up mostly from melon, pineapple and grapes.  I came upstairs and ate all of it.  I sat back and then had revelation number 2.  I was happy, really deeply felt satisfaction kind of happy, like I had accomplished something that was long on my list and now could stand back and admire my work and myself...I'm full and although I'm still a bit tired my mood seems on the up because I feel that my stomach is full to bursting.  Talk about an early luncheon.  It is not so much everything I ate in a short time, breakfast, apple, then full on fruit extravaganza with coffee (I know its a strange and disparate kind of combo).  It is a different aspect of my emotional eating, which I have discussed before here. If I calculate, I had breakfast at 6 am and I ate all of this at 9:30 am.  That's a three hour difference between breakfast and fruit-a-palooza, and so there is no reason to think that I would not be hungry, especially since lunch is not until 12:16 pm.  However, what struck me was was the joy, the elation I felt at being full that made me aware of just how food affects me.  I know I enjoy a good meal but fruit and a coffee do not a "meal" make.  It is not the food that makes me happy, it is the feeling of fullness, the joy of being stuffed, that is the problem.  I must find other ways of making myself feel good.  I just don't know what that will be.  I kinda wish I was home so that I could immediately work this off with an exercise routine.  (Now where did that thought come from?)

Oh well, I am not home, I am here, and there is nothing for me to do but get on with my day...I'll have to ponder the meaning of this a little later I suppose.  I think I'll take a walk around the floor before my next class starts.

This one is for me.

This journey has been so ongoing and I think that I have lost sight of the long haul of it.  I was so used to a seemingly endless drop, that I think my mind began to think it would be seamless, but no longer.   I'm back on track and again losing but I think that I have learned a valuable lesson from these weeks of not having a success of which to speak of.  There is no going back...

I will never be able to eat as I did, to not workout as I did, to be who I was.  That is hard to accept sometimes, because in the end and in many real ways, I am still me.  It is still me in my head and even though she has changed a bit physically, it is still me when I look in the mirror.  However, it is not me at my core.  It is not me fundamentally and it will never be the "old" me again, not if I want to be successful.  

This week I found myself deciding not to go anywhere and to stay home.  Weekends have been turning into an ordeal because I find it so much harder to stay on plan when I am not the one preparing meals.  So I had a choice to make.  It does not mean that I will never go out again, but I need to choose my battles wisely.  If I went out last week I do not need to do so this week.  It's ok to miss out on a few things.  I will survive, and I did survive and I saw a weight loss on the scale because of it.  So this one is for getting back on track, back in the race, and just plain back to the me who felt that I could do this.  The new me, the me I want to be.

Progress, no matter how small

So yesterday I tracked my food.  I didn't stay within my points.  My friend came over the day before yesterday and she had purchased a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream.  I thought she had finished it so when I looked in the freezer yesterday imagine my surprise to see that it was still there.  Not all of it.  She had eaten about a third, but if you have ever read a Haagen Dazs label you'll know that two thirds is a whole lot of everything.  I fought myself, walked away, drank water, ate lunch, but to no avail.  I eventually ate it, but I also made sure that I tracked it.  And so I went through my day.  Actually ended up tracking today what I had last night, but I tracked it.  That's what matters.  Today we will see were the day takes me.  I have plans for working out but also for staying active by doing laundry and my hair, but again, we'll have to see where the day takes me, because I have a book that I'm reading and when it comes to reading I will totally put everything off just so I can read one more page.  Anyhow, I feel that this battle is about to get really uphill for me, but what matters is that I fight it, right? And, it's the sum of the battles won that ultimately wins the war. So I've got my armor on, and I'm off to the field. Pray for me.

Ok, so that didn't work.

So that last post lasted all of one day.  I'm lost as to what is going on. I don't have any motivation at all and I'm not sure what is happening right about now.  I'm all rearing to go and then fizzle out before the day is done.  My weight is steadily climbing and I'm showing no kind of self control.  So I'm starting again.  Ugh...I'm really upset at myself and I know that's not a good way to motivate or stay motivated, but it is how I feel.  Totally defeated.

New Beginnings

I recently changed the background on my phone to one that says "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about".  I cannot get the fact that I need to get back to my weight loss off my mind, back to working out and feeling better.  So although all I want to do is give up I won't because I really want this to work, because I've already accomplished so much so far, and because I'd like to think that when it comes to my weight loss it's too late to stop now.  Of course it's not but I'd like to think that it is.  I have accomplished goals and then lost them.  I reached Onederland and then promptly got myself thrown out!  So here I am, again beginning something that has not really ended.  And, I'm not waiting until Sunday or Monday giving myself the excuse that starting a diet/life change at the beginning of a week seems more even and symmetrical.   I am beginning today because I woke up today, because I'm lighter today than I might be on Sunday if I go without my plan, and because once again I want to go back to those feelings of accomplishment, of positive thinking and of possibilities I had before.  Why have I gone off track? Why does anyone? Life, stressed, depressed, tired, who knows?  What I do know is that I spent the grand part of my life with food being the controlling central factor, and for a year now that all changed.  It was still central but not controlling and I'm ready to get back to that point.  It has been a few weeks but that is not that long.  It's an extended vacation! I can do this, I know I can, I've done it before!

Here's to new beginnings; with purpose and strength in my stride!

WTF?

Ummm, not only have I fallen off of the bandwagon, but its left me way behind and to the point that I can't even see a smoke cloud and no hitchhikers will pick me up.

I know what I need to do, but for the life of me I just can't seem to want to do it.  Notice that I didn't say I can't do it.  I've done it before so I know I CAN do it.  But, I don't WANT to do it...and that makes all the difference!

On the road to nowhere...

I've recently had a major setback.  I gained 10 lbs.  Of course I know why I gained it.  I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for.  I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from.  And, it is all due to eating emotionally.  I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me.  And I know that it is a problem that I have.  I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?"  Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals.  I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.

Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt.  Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick.  But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with.  In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite.  Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough.  Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun.  So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him.  That's food to me.  There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.

I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it.  It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live.  But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.

I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this.  To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road.  Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere.  A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest.  I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it.  My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.

Diminishing Returns...

So the way weight watchers works is that based on some formula that takes height, weight, age, and sex into consideration they calculate the number of points you can eat in a day.  I think the highest points possible are something like 70 or 71, that being for someone who is extremely, morbidly obese.  The lowest points is 26, they do not go below that number.  When I started I was at 41.  As my weight has lowered so to have my points. As of Sunday  I can only eat 31 points.  Usually this is how the points go down, one point at a time.  But, I find losing points is always a bit of a sad occasion.  One point less in total points plus is one point less that I can eat.  Its not too bad, because its easy to adjust to simply lowering what you eat by one point, but it is also the thought that I cannot eat as much as before.  So in honor of that here are a list of 1 point foods that I enjoy that I can still eat but not if I have already been through my 31 points.

1 lite string cheese
1 laughing cow cheese wedge
1 babybel cheese (are you noticing a pattern?)
1 serving of Newman Own lite dressings (Best light dressing around)
2/3 cup of fat free milk (its the amount I use for my oatmeal in the morning)
1 tbs of Lite butter spread
1 slice of Weight Watchers bread

These may not be the most stimulating things but they make up little staples of my diet, little snacks that get me through my day.  A point is worth a lot.  Ah the value of a point... But in the grand scheme of things I joined weight watchers to lose...weight, and apparently points.

Before the storm...

I've never posted before going to a meeting I realize. Let's see if I can capture this. Before a meeting I'm usually up and ready to go. I get dressed ahead of time and then sit and wait. There used to be this sense of excitement and in a way there still is.  However, mostly now there's just the thought of traffic and parking. Today, I weighed myself in the morning and saw a weight drop but I get nervous that I won't see that when I get to my weigh-in. I rarely eat breakfast unless I have a Slimfast available. That is something I'm usually not afraid to have before I have to go get weighed in. It's like I don't want the added weight of food in my stomach to add to my overall weight. Breakfast I think will derail me.

I'm going to Minnesota to visit my "ever present in this blog" cousin. I want to find a meeting location there and see if I can get to a meeting and a weigh-in. That will help me stay on track. My cousins make the most delicious food and when they don't make it they find places with the most delicious food! So I know I'm going to be eating and that's ok, anything is fine in moderation, but I don't want my brain to think that it can just let me devour the whole world:) I'm excited about seeing them so much I don't care if we eat lard all week but in terms of my eating well and losing weight I know that won't be ideal. Boy is that an understatement. Anyhow, these things are what's running through my head today. I'm leaving early because I'll be driving slowly, what with all the snow from our recent blizzard. I'm hoping for the best and that there is actually a meeting going on. I'm sure there is, WW stops for no one! So here's to getting up and getting through the storm that is each weigh-in.

Update** I went to my meeting and I did indeed have a loss! Yay me:)

Up, up and away....

So, Sunday was quite the day for me.  I went into my meeting after having missed last week.  I went because I found myself doing some thing that I had not done since this whole mishugina weight loss stuff started.  I was skipping a meeting because I thought I would see a weight gain!! (queue the suspense music, dun dun DUN!!)

Of course when I went back, my meeting leader managed to somehow make the meeting about me.  (He didn't really but somehow I feel that every meeting is about me, and I guess that's what makes WW special.  They manage to talk about things that really do impact members no matter who they are.)  He said, and these words came from someone else who he thought just expressed the importance of meetings perfectly, "when you gain weight you need a meeting, when you lose weight the meeting needs you".  Perfect, because this was one of those days where i needed the meeting and the meeting needed me!   I sat quietly until I felt I had something to contribute, like the fact that my waist has gone from a 44 inch to a 36 inch! Whoop Whoop! But, then came the moment of truth.  He asked us to share any weight loss.  I had my book with my latest weigh-in results on it. I was down one pound.  Not a big deal in grand scheme of things, at least that's what  I told myself in my mind but of course every pound counts because they add up to great moments like these and these. But I shared the one thing I had been waiting all this time to share.  I have finally made it to Onederland! The leading number in my weight is 1. You can go here if you want to know what Onederland is. I mentioned in that post not knowing what this would feel like and your know what.  It feels phenomenal and now that its been a few days since then, scary as hell.  When I first said it at the meeting I burst into tears, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid doing hence the quiet waiting for the moment when that question was asked.  When I called my cousin, I burst into tears again. (Are you noticing a pattern here?)

It is unbelievable to be here, of course I'm still in the dilemma that I feel like I look today exactly how I looked 20 lbs ago but I'm sure I don't, I probably do but I'm trying to convince myself I don't, even though I do...ok so that's what the conversation in my head sounds like.  But, the fear comes in that I'm still closer to up than down.  Its like what if one day Superman goes up up and away and isn't paying attention and so smacks into a brick wall on his way up?  You might say "well duh, it's Superman, he'll just rip right through that stupid wall." But what if that wall was made out of kryptonite, or in my case ice cream!! Catch my drift.  There is more fear in me than excitement. And a part of me feels like well this is to be expected.  There is always a little fear in change, but I feel my fear will cause me to regress and that would really, really suck!

But, positivity, right? That's what I need to focus on.  And keep reminding myself, just because that Ice Cream says Light! Does not mean I can eat 3 servings of it.  Superman may not be stronger than Kryptonite but I am certainly stronger than frozen milk and sugar! (hopefully, no I am, maybe, I know I am, or I will be...I can do this! Right? Right...maybe)

Bless me, for I have sinned.

So WW is all about weighing yourself at a regularly scheduled time so that you get a more accurate idea of your weight.  People who do it online just commit to one day/time when they do it once a week.  Meeting people like me do it right before their meetings. I of course cannot simply do that.  I weigh myself, EVERY DAY.  Every morning, I wake up, I pee and then I weigh myself.  This does two things for me.  It keeps me aware of my weight.  I know it is not accurate necessarily but it quickly tells me if my weight is going up, up and up.  Or, if its going down.  And, I need this, I need this hyper vigilance of my weight because it is a serious amount that I have to lose. This works for me of course most times but not this week.  This week my weight has been stagnant, normally I like to see a change by day 4 of weighing myself but its keeping steady and that makes me frustrated.  It frustrates me because this week I have done all my tracking, I've actually eaten well under my points most days and I've worked out everyday, so why am I not seeing results.  I fear I might be headed towards the dreaded plateau.  A place I do not want to be! I think what I will start doing is recording my weight every time I do it and then comparing that to what I'm told at my meeting I weigh.  That way I can see how well weighing myself everyday works and whether it accurately keeps me in line.  I know I just should not weigh myself everyday, but I can't help it.  This is one sin I openly will commit again.

Hunger Games

I feel like sometimes my hunger turns into the most formidable being in the world.  Like another person in the room with me who is looming over my shoulder while I'm trying to do other things.  Today has been one of those days.  For the first time I actually tracked ALL of my meals for the day ahead of time (yesterday in fact) and yet since waking I've been extremely hungry.  Beyond what I planned on eating.  I thought I could control it but it has been uphill all day and the day is just getting started.

This morning I had my regular oatmeal breakfast.  For lunch I'm having ground turkey with brown rice and a salad on the side. Not bad I would say.  In between breakfast and lunch I've gotten in the habit of having fruit as a snack everyday, because I usually have breakfast at about 6:30 am and lunch is not until 12:16 pm.  Except today one piece of fruit has turned into 2 mandarins, 1 small banana, about 10 baby carrots and 1 cheese stick. Perhaps not the end of the world in many people's eyes but when you're trying to lose as much as me, EVERYTHING counts. WTF? Why am I so hungry? And this was after I played what I think of as the hunger games of my life, a game that I often lose.  I did the whole, "acknowledge your hunger, wait ten minutes then check again".  I also had the "maybe its not hunger maybe it's thirst" conversation with myself and drank water after the first mandarin and banana.  Then I said well maybe it's just knowing the food is there, so I got up and walked out of my classroom and walked around my floor twice, in my attempt to walk away from temptation, but when I sat at my desk the hunger just came roaring back! I get this way sometimes, where I feel like hunger is just taking over. Not cool when you're trying to loose large and longtime amounts of weight.  Now, I'm drinking water again, trying to expunge my eating guilt through blog posting.  Should I be feeling this guilt? I don't know, but I do.  And, I'm left wondering if ultimately my endgame will be what I want it to be.  The end is still a way to go but I so want to get there.  And, now I fear the things that might derail my train.

From the ashes!

I went back to my meeting, like I said I would, and imagine my happy surprise to learn that even though I had missed three months worth of meetings I had lost a little over 1lb! That's means I succeeded at maintaining my weight loss for an extended period of time even when I was barely on plan. My mind set has truly changed. I really do find myself thinking in points and calculating in my head how many points things will be. That means that I am remaining aware of my food choices and not mindlessly eating.  And even when I know I am WAY off plan and am going to eat/drink something anyway I'm still counting in my head. That is something I never thought possible and I'm excited to know I'm living this reality.

So on the day of my return to the meeting I was asked to come and participate on a panel for WW and discuss my success.  Imagine my surprise.  Ever since I went to that panel discussion for people who had over 75lbs to lose it has been my ambition to be on one of those panels.  It was so inspirational to me.  (I wonder why I never blogged it?)  So anyway I was super nervous but excited as well.  And, I, rocked, it!! My friend was there to support me and she told me I was the best speaker and I was funny which put everyone at ease.  I showed pictures of before and I even showed a picture of myself in a shirt I bought a year and a half ago to go to dinner with friends and which I wore this past new year as a dress.  I made it a point to tell people that for me all I wanted was to make it from one week to the next.   I was both inspirational and inspired and it was great to tell people that I had lost 69 lbs up to this point.  The next day at my meeting my leader thanked me again and even highlighted some of what I said and mentioned that his favorite part was me showing the shirt that I then wore as a dress.  He complimented me on my clothes that day too, saying the outfit I picked was perfect. I found this rather humorous but thanked him as graciously as I could.

Now Sunday's meeting had me on the brink of tears.  My weigh-in had me at a 75lbs loss.  OMG!!! I still say it and its like what?! I can still remember trying to lose the first 5 let alone 75.  I feel so rewarded, so wonderfully blessed to have made it this far.  And the thing is, that looking back it doesn't seem like much time has gone by, but going through it, it seems like its taken forever!  And I still have more to go.  That was one idea I wanted to impart that day.  I was not at my goal.  I still have 40 or so pounds to go, and there are some people who only have 40 or less pounds in total.  But this is a life journey for all of us, one that I must be on for the rest of my life, if I want to be successful.  But I can do that.  More importantly I WANT to do that, I want this success to be permanent. It is an ambition now and that is what I want forever.  So here's to rising from the ashes, to falling down and picking myself up, to walking on cloud 9 and staying with the fight:)

Been a loooong time...

I was shocked to see that I had not posted since October.  This is my New Year's post.  I've been on a crazy coaster of activity, emotions, and life in general.   I have not been to a meeting since September I think, I'm not really sure, and have fallen off plan.  Well sort of.  I mean in all this time I have still been thinking in terms of points, eating less than I did, once upon a time, and generally have kept my weight in the same range.  So I'm engaged in what Weight Watchers calls maintenance; but it is time for more.  I have to be honest I have lost some of the drive.  Not the want of course, but the push I used to feel.  I think a large part of that is related to not being back for my meetings.  I wonder if the same people are there, or if some have reached their goals and so left, or if like me some have just fallen away? I wonder if my team leader is still there, because I think I would hate it if there was someone else.

I need a jolt of something, I just don't know what it is.  I think that this is the time when motivation and inspiration need to hit again.  They need to call me up so we can hang out together; because I feel like that drunken person standing on the curb with that confused look on their face like they don't know where they are going or where they have been.  Not the best feeling I must say.  Today is Friday.  The end of the week. I am tired, I have been sick for what feels like most of December into January and I'm not looking forward to all the chores that await me at home.  But, I started working out again two days ago, I'm back on plan tracking all of my meals and keep track of my healthy habits, and Sunday is a chance to go back to my meeting and get back on track all the way.  The power of positive thinking, the power of positive thinking...If I keep the mantra up, I think I just might do something with myself.