On the road to nowhere...

I've recently had a major setback.  I gained 10 lbs.  Of course I know why I gained it.  I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for.  I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from.  And, it is all due to eating emotionally.  I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me.  And I know that it is a problem that I have.  I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?"  Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals.  I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.

Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt.  Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick.  But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with.  In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite.  Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough.  Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun.  So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him.  That's food to me.  There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.

I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it.  It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live.  But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.

I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this.  To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road.  Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere.  A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest.  I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it.  My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.

Run, Forrest!

So I'm looking good, feeling good, but sooo not into it. I'm tired of counting points, tired of working out, and tired of watching everything I eat. I'm tired of thinking about food in general. Kind of wish I didn't have to eat. Never thought I'd say this but food in general is making me sick and tired. So what's a fat girl to do? Well, I have to keep eating there's no choice with that. And if I want to keep losing weight I know I have to keep exercising. I think what I need is just to recharge my batteries and re-motivate myself. I have to remember that this is for the long haul and that I've got a long way to go. But, I also have to remember that I've come a long way already and I need to be proud of that. Something that is easier said than done. Now this weight watchers thing is turning into a new kind of hard...not hard to get started, hard but to stick to. To actually go in it for the long run. This is my marathon, except, before I could go at a steady jog and now I feel like I've got to sprint to the end.

Still here!

So its been a while.  Summer has pretty much gone and fall has come in with rain (some tornado type stuff) but otherwise nice weather.  I am still here, still going up and down within the same weight range but still feeling positive about where I am.

School has started up again and many of the staff and students have noticed my weight loss, its been nice, I always remember to smile and say thank you when someone comments.  Its my way of beginning to learn how to take a compliment. Yet another way in which I am growing into the person I want to be;)

But, not all has been sunny in my parade.  Although I am trying to stay positive I have been feeling disconnected.  Work just began again and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things.  On a positive note I started working out again this week.  I'm kicking butt and taking names but in a nice way, lol! I feel stronger already.  Went back to my meeting this week after two weeks of not going.  Happy to report only 1 lbs of weight gain, although that happiness comes now after I am days removed from that weigh-in.  On Sunday I was ready to burst into tears.  I cannot lose hope and I know I can do this.  I have the tools that I need, I just need to use them! I'm still here and that's pretty good right?

Off to the Races...

I seem to be in a rush to finish every meal, why is that?  This morning I decided to indulge and have a bacon egg and cheese.  I ate the first half of it only and left the second half for lunch a few hours later.  I began eating at 11:30 by 11:34, I was finished.  That's crazy.  It actually hurt to have finished that thing that quickly, it felt like it got stuck somewhere on its way down and it made my heart quicken.  What is my rush?  I seem incapable of just taking my time with a meal.  I don't know where that stems from.  Maybe its because growing up we never actually sat down to meals, instead eating was secondary to whatever else we were doing.  I never pay attention to what I eat and when I do I feel a little foolish.  If I stop and think about chewing my food I feel like anyone who looks over will think that I'm being weird because I feel like purposely chewing slow causes me to make weird faces.  Although the truly weird part is that I'm not sure why I feel that way even when I'm alone.  What's that all about?  I'm not sure how to engage in slowing down without feeling like an idiot!  I've been told to count how many times I chew, put my fork down in between bites, wait a 30 secs to 1 min in between bites but all of that feels weird.  How am I expected to eat and enjoy a meal if I am also doing calculations?

Well I went online and guess what?  There's an app for that!! Its this app that has a green light that tells you when to eat, a yellow to warn you that its time to slow down and a red one to tell you to stop.  Upside? Its programmable so you can set the time intervals.  Downside? If its on, the phone will shut itself off automatically after what it considers a period of inactivity, the phone cannot tell you are actively using the app.  I can of course set the phone to stay on but then that will...1. kill my battery and 2. take too much time to set up if I have to do that whole turning it on and off thing EVERY TIME I eat. And then I discovered an upside that turned into a downside.  It has a vibrating function for when you are out dining among people so you don't have to have it on in front of you.  You can keep it in your pocket and just follow the feel of it vibrating to warn you.  The down, down, downside...I'm just soooo.....how do I say this?.... REALLY REALLY FAT that I can't feel it vibrating in my pocket.

(sigh) Back to the drawing board!! AGAIN!!