Oh, how the mighty have...leaned to the side?

I have not been to a meeting in about 4 weeks.  I was too busy involved with other things.  My weight loss I think has been maintained for the most part but I think this Sunday will be the true testament to that.  I actually miss my meetings.  My meeting leader and all the people who are there regularly have seemingly become a staple in my life.  I like feeling like I was part of the regulars and I'm curious about how everyone else is doing.  These past two days have been hard.  My emotions are running low and I find myself eating more, but I have been tracking even the bad stuff and that is what I need to keep myself in control.  Two nights ago I dropped a friend off at home and then drove by a McDonald's on the way back and actually pulled into the driveway and ordered.  The whole time I was thinking that I really should not eat that stuff but that little voice inside my head was overwhelmingly overpowered by my stomach.  The thing is I'm pretty sure that I was feeding my emotions and not my body.  I'm pretty sure that, that is what I have been doing since then as well.

Emotions seem to be my downfall.  I need to keep them in check if I am going to succeed and yet how can one control emotions?  Especially when they are caused by third parties!  Eating is my longtime soother and I just don't know of another way to soothe.  I spoke to people, did not keep my emotions bottled up and did what I thought I would have to in order to feel better, like exercise (gasp).  That however, did not alter the way in which I approached food over those days.  And I'm left feeling bad, but I refuse to have this make me feel it's all over.  So, I feel a need to stand myself up straight, know that I can do this, and keep on trucking.  And realize, that the important thing is not that I soothe my emotions with food, but rather that in the end I recognize that it won't solve my problems or take the emotions away and when it comes to the hard stuff, you just have to let yourself feel it and go with the flow. Right? Right!

Run, Forrest!

So I'm looking good, feeling good, but sooo not into it. I'm tired of counting points, tired of working out, and tired of watching everything I eat. I'm tired of thinking about food in general. Kind of wish I didn't have to eat. Never thought I'd say this but food in general is making me sick and tired. So what's a fat girl to do? Well, I have to keep eating there's no choice with that. And if I want to keep losing weight I know I have to keep exercising. I think what I need is just to recharge my batteries and re-motivate myself. I have to remember that this is for the long haul and that I've got a long way to go. But, I also have to remember that I've come a long way already and I need to be proud of that. Something that is easier said than done. Now this weight watchers thing is turning into a new kind of hard...not hard to get started, hard but to stick to. To actually go in it for the long run. This is my marathon, except, before I could go at a steady jog and now I feel like I've got to sprint to the end.

Shiny, happy people...

Crazy how this entire journey has been a nonstop series of ups and downs. As I have often said. This week was definitely an up. I went to my weigh in and had a surprise I did not expect, a huge weight loss. I lost 7 lbs this week. I don't trust that this loss is going to stick because its too much for one week but it still felt good to go and see that. My leader made me an example at the meeting and made me tell my total weight loss so far.

I'm feeling positive about what's happening right now, I'm looking good and people can see it in my face that I am feeling differently about myself and my self image. I still have all my issues those will take time to resolve, if ever they are resolved, but it is wonderful to at least have some of my perspective change and shift. I've decided that I want to again try my hand at maybe cooking. I've been buying a lot of prepared food because its easier to calculate my points but I would like to eat a few less processes foods. Here's to new outlooks and beginnings! And for a continued happy shiny feeling:)

Still here!

So its been a while.  Summer has pretty much gone and fall has come in with rain (some tornado type stuff) but otherwise nice weather.  I am still here, still going up and down within the same weight range but still feeling positive about where I am.

School has started up again and many of the staff and students have noticed my weight loss, its been nice, I always remember to smile and say thank you when someone comments.  Its my way of beginning to learn how to take a compliment. Yet another way in which I am growing into the person I want to be;)

But, not all has been sunny in my parade.  Although I am trying to stay positive I have been feeling disconnected.  Work just began again and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things.  On a positive note I started working out again this week.  I'm kicking butt and taking names but in a nice way, lol! I feel stronger already.  Went back to my meeting this week after two weeks of not going.  Happy to report only 1 lbs of weight gain, although that happiness comes now after I am days removed from that weigh-in.  On Sunday I was ready to burst into tears.  I cannot lose hope and I know I can do this.  I have the tools that I need, I just need to use them! I'm still here and that's pretty good right?

Surprise, surprise...

Wow.  I can't believe I skipped the entire month of August.  I've been having quite the month literally filled with ups and down.  I lost the 2.6 I had gained after my last post, then I gained again then I lost again and so on and so forth.  But all is not over and dark in my life, (at least when it comes to my outlook) and that's surprising and refreshing.

So here are some positive things that have gotten me through this rather difficult month:

1. I went clothes shopping.  I am wearing the smallest size available at a "plus size" store.  It's unbelievable.  The best thing is that I went shopping and discovered this after one of my weight gain weeks.

2. I like the way I'm looking in my clothes.  That's HUGE! There are still more times then not when I feel like I have nothing to wear and when I really wish I could look differently, but when I do settle on something I am finding that I'm much more likely to be satisfied with what I have on, and not think about it when I walk out the door.

3. Someone at my meeting told a new person that I was an inspiration to her. WHAT :-O!! I was so shocked because she said that the day I had my biggest gain EVER...4.4 lbs.  I cannot believe that I have inspired someone else but I am determined to make her proud.  She has now become one more person to make this work for.  Although all the benefits of this are for me I know that when I keep others in mind I am more likely to feel committed to something.

4. I missed my next Sunday meeting after the 4.4 weight gain but then went in to do my weigh-in on that Tuesday and found that I lost 5.4 lbs.  So I lost those 4.4 plus 1! (Hurray)

5. At that Tuesday meeting I was confident, shared my experience and then encouraged two other members to keep going to meetings and keep going with the program.  I reminded them and myself that they needed to take it one day at the time.  That's all they could do.

Overall, its quite overwhelming and I am ready to continue on my road to steady loss.  Luckily the school year is about to start and I can get back into my routine (The topic of this weeks meeting by the way).  Although I'm not looking forward to going back to work I am looking forward to being able to get into a steady swing of things that include working out and eating right.

Back in the Saddle Again!

Last week was expectedly disappointing.  I had a 2.6 pound weight gain but I determined that I would think positive and I did.  Yes, I gained two pounds but it was over the course of two weeks.  Yes, I gained two pounds but even with those two I still had over a 50lbs weight loss; and yes, I gained two pounds but I was determined to get back on plan, track my butt off, workout, and get back to being a loser in the best sense of the word.  And, that is exactly what I did.  I this week I lost 3.4 lbs.  Now coupled with the gain that 3.4 loss means I'm only 0.8 lbs less then I was at my last lowest, but still... every little bit helps.  I haven't always been the most positive person (and I'm not going to link to any of my old posts because you can look at ALL of my old posts and see that negativity is a big part of who I am) still I feel myself changing from the outside in and the inside out.  It's like my transformation is coming at my from all angles and to be honest it is both exciting and a little frightening.

I want to lose weight, and if I was happy with the old me I would not have felt a need to bring about so much change in myself, but to see yourself becoming someone else leads you into the "what if I don't recognize who I am at the end of this?" territory.  A happy, sad, crazy, and pretty much everywhere on the bipolar scale prospect.  Excited yes, but a still if I am honest with myself, definitely frightening.  Its so much easier to keep the status quo.  I'll have to think on this more.  But on to my meeting today.

So, my meeting was good.  We discussed how to make, order and enjoy a good salad.  Because some people think as long as the word "salad" is included in what you eat then it doesn't matter.  Not knowing or acknowledging that once you get done adding toppings and extras to it, your once healthy salad can be has points/calories/fat dense as any other meal.  People add all this stuff to their salads because they are seriously under the mistaken impression that as long as its on a bed of lettuce anything is healthy or good for you or good for your weight management plan (Sort of like the way I approach non-fat frozen yogurt. "Sure I can add those nothing but sugar loaded and fattening cookie dough bites, mini peanut butter cups, sprinkles and/or cheese cake bits...this yogurt is fat free!"). 

As I was saying...It was a good meeting and full of good advice.  We had an interim leader who took over for my normal leader who is on vacation.  She wasn't my favorite but she was very enthusiastic, and much better this time around then she was last week (hmmmm...I wonder....maybe my weight gain/loss was coloring my perception?).  Anyway next week its back to our regular leader, although she did do something I liked.  She not only celebrated any good news (aka weight loss) but she asked what people attributed this week's success to, that was inspiring to hear what others did. My answer: "Exercise, tracking, and getting back in the saddle when I was bucked off my horse!"

A Day of Reckoning

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I am so nervous I don't know what to do with myself.  I know I will have a weight gain of anywhere from 2-4 lbs.  I've been very bad this week, as seen here and here, and although I began again today and did very well I know I am not going to see the kind of progress I want by tomorrow.  I keep going over this dilema of whether or not I should skip my meeting.  Intellectually I know I shouldn't.  And, really according to the plan and how it works the whole point of the meeting is moments just like these.  They help you stay on track and do what you're supposed to do.  Still, I can't help but want to pull an ostrich.

I hate the feeling of failure.  Thinking of the big picture 2-4 lbs of weight gain still has me at a 50-52 lbs overall weight loss but still, my eternal pessimism isn't equipped to handle that kind of positive thinking.  It is such a daily struggle to look on the bright side and keep myself going.  Like I'm constantly running low on something that seems like it should come so easily...positive outlook.  I think I need to pull a Stewart Smalley if I'm going to make it through tomorrow without binging because I'm sad and depressed and I'm hoping this blog will reinforce my previous belief.  So I'm going to go to my meeting, I'm going to accept that I did not do what I knew I should be doing, and I'm going to go from there.