Shiny, happy people...

Crazy how this entire journey has been a nonstop series of ups and downs. As I have often said. This week was definitely an up. I went to my weigh in and had a surprise I did not expect, a huge weight loss. I lost 7 lbs this week. I don't trust that this loss is going to stick because its too much for one week but it still felt good to go and see that. My leader made me an example at the meeting and made me tell my total weight loss so far.

I'm feeling positive about what's happening right now, I'm looking good and people can see it in my face that I am feeling differently about myself and my self image. I still have all my issues those will take time to resolve, if ever they are resolved, but it is wonderful to at least have some of my perspective change and shift. I've decided that I want to again try my hand at maybe cooking. I've been buying a lot of prepared food because its easier to calculate my points but I would like to eat a few less processes foods. Here's to new outlooks and beginnings! And for a continued happy shiny feeling:)

Still here!

So its been a while.  Summer has pretty much gone and fall has come in with rain (some tornado type stuff) but otherwise nice weather.  I am still here, still going up and down within the same weight range but still feeling positive about where I am.

School has started up again and many of the staff and students have noticed my weight loss, its been nice, I always remember to smile and say thank you when someone comments.  Its my way of beginning to learn how to take a compliment. Yet another way in which I am growing into the person I want to be;)

But, not all has been sunny in my parade.  Although I am trying to stay positive I have been feeling disconnected.  Work just began again and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things.  On a positive note I started working out again this week.  I'm kicking butt and taking names but in a nice way, lol! I feel stronger already.  Went back to my meeting this week after two weeks of not going.  Happy to report only 1 lbs of weight gain, although that happiness comes now after I am days removed from that weigh-in.  On Sunday I was ready to burst into tears.  I cannot lose hope and I know I can do this.  I have the tools that I need, I just need to use them! I'm still here and that's pretty good right?

Surprise, surprise...

Wow.  I can't believe I skipped the entire month of August.  I've been having quite the month literally filled with ups and down.  I lost the 2.6 I had gained after my last post, then I gained again then I lost again and so on and so forth.  But all is not over and dark in my life, (at least when it comes to my outlook) and that's surprising and refreshing.

So here are some positive things that have gotten me through this rather difficult month:

1. I went clothes shopping.  I am wearing the smallest size available at a "plus size" store.  It's unbelievable.  The best thing is that I went shopping and discovered this after one of my weight gain weeks.

2. I like the way I'm looking in my clothes.  That's HUGE! There are still more times then not when I feel like I have nothing to wear and when I really wish I could look differently, but when I do settle on something I am finding that I'm much more likely to be satisfied with what I have on, and not think about it when I walk out the door.

3. Someone at my meeting told a new person that I was an inspiration to her. WHAT :-O!! I was so shocked because she said that the day I had my biggest gain EVER...4.4 lbs.  I cannot believe that I have inspired someone else but I am determined to make her proud.  She has now become one more person to make this work for.  Although all the benefits of this are for me I know that when I keep others in mind I am more likely to feel committed to something.

4. I missed my next Sunday meeting after the 4.4 weight gain but then went in to do my weigh-in on that Tuesday and found that I lost 5.4 lbs.  So I lost those 4.4 plus 1! (Hurray)

5. At that Tuesday meeting I was confident, shared my experience and then encouraged two other members to keep going to meetings and keep going with the program.  I reminded them and myself that they needed to take it one day at the time.  That's all they could do.

Overall, its quite overwhelming and I am ready to continue on my road to steady loss.  Luckily the school year is about to start and I can get back into my routine (The topic of this weeks meeting by the way).  Although I'm not looking forward to going back to work I am looking forward to being able to get into a steady swing of things that include working out and eating right.

Back in the Saddle Again!

Last week was expectedly disappointing.  I had a 2.6 pound weight gain but I determined that I would think positive and I did.  Yes, I gained two pounds but it was over the course of two weeks.  Yes, I gained two pounds but even with those two I still had over a 50lbs weight loss; and yes, I gained two pounds but I was determined to get back on plan, track my butt off, workout, and get back to being a loser in the best sense of the word.  And, that is exactly what I did.  I this week I lost 3.4 lbs.  Now coupled with the gain that 3.4 loss means I'm only 0.8 lbs less then I was at my last lowest, but still... every little bit helps.  I haven't always been the most positive person (and I'm not going to link to any of my old posts because you can look at ALL of my old posts and see that negativity is a big part of who I am) still I feel myself changing from the outside in and the inside out.  It's like my transformation is coming at my from all angles and to be honest it is both exciting and a little frightening.

I want to lose weight, and if I was happy with the old me I would not have felt a need to bring about so much change in myself, but to see yourself becoming someone else leads you into the "what if I don't recognize who I am at the end of this?" territory.  A happy, sad, crazy, and pretty much everywhere on the bipolar scale prospect.  Excited yes, but a still if I am honest with myself, definitely frightening.  Its so much easier to keep the status quo.  I'll have to think on this more.  But on to my meeting today.

So, my meeting was good.  We discussed how to make, order and enjoy a good salad.  Because some people think as long as the word "salad" is included in what you eat then it doesn't matter.  Not knowing or acknowledging that once you get done adding toppings and extras to it, your once healthy salad can be has points/calories/fat dense as any other meal.  People add all this stuff to their salads because they are seriously under the mistaken impression that as long as its on a bed of lettuce anything is healthy or good for you or good for your weight management plan (Sort of like the way I approach non-fat frozen yogurt. "Sure I can add those nothing but sugar loaded and fattening cookie dough bites, mini peanut butter cups, sprinkles and/or cheese cake bits...this yogurt is fat free!"). 

As I was saying...It was a good meeting and full of good advice.  We had an interim leader who took over for my normal leader who is on vacation.  She wasn't my favorite but she was very enthusiastic, and much better this time around then she was last week (hmmmm...I wonder....maybe my weight gain/loss was coloring my perception?).  Anyway next week its back to our regular leader, although she did do something I liked.  She not only celebrated any good news (aka weight loss) but she asked what people attributed this week's success to, that was inspiring to hear what others did. My answer: "Exercise, tracking, and getting back in the saddle when I was bucked off my horse!"

A Day of Reckoning

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I am so nervous I don't know what to do with myself.  I know I will have a weight gain of anywhere from 2-4 lbs.  I've been very bad this week, as seen here and here, and although I began again today and did very well I know I am not going to see the kind of progress I want by tomorrow.  I keep going over this dilema of whether or not I should skip my meeting.  Intellectually I know I shouldn't.  And, really according to the plan and how it works the whole point of the meeting is moments just like these.  They help you stay on track and do what you're supposed to do.  Still, I can't help but want to pull an ostrich.

I hate the feeling of failure.  Thinking of the big picture 2-4 lbs of weight gain still has me at a 50-52 lbs overall weight loss but still, my eternal pessimism isn't equipped to handle that kind of positive thinking.  It is such a daily struggle to look on the bright side and keep myself going.  Like I'm constantly running low on something that seems like it should come so easily...positive outlook.  I think I need to pull a Stewart Smalley if I'm going to make it through tomorrow without binging because I'm sad and depressed and I'm hoping this blog will reinforce my previous belief.  So I'm going to go to my meeting, I'm going to accept that I did not do what I knew I should be doing, and I'm going to go from there.

Taking the time.

Ugh! One of my goals was to increase my workouts and find some kind of exercise balance.  I find that when it comes to exercise it is so easy to just forget about it.  This is by far the hardest part of trying to control my weight.  I know I have the time I just can't seem to take the time to do it.  I think that this is what's causing me problems now more then anything else.  I feel comfortable enough now with Weigh Watchers and the point system that it usually takes me a day to get my eating back on track despite my ups and down. If I could just get into a routine of working out then I think that how I eat would be second to that in which of the two will make me feel is the most beneficial to my weight loss.  But actually getting up and doing something? This is perhaps the hardest thing.

I'm just going to say it I am lazy by nature, inclined to sit and do nothing than to get up and move.  I will always struggle with this it seems and I don't know how to address it.  I'm just not into the exercise and I don't know what to do to motivate myself.   The frustrating thing is that I have been improving in how I see exercise and how I approach it and I even have seen how much exercising can lead to improvement. For a time I was exercising with my friend here in my house over FaceTime and that kept me motivated but her life and schedule has changed and so that has not worked anymore.  We've both seem to have fallen off the workout wagon.  I also go to the gym near my job when my coworker is available and when I'm actually at work.  But lately I've been on vacation so I don't go to the gym because I don't want to go alone.  Yesterday I went to the park and did a two mile walk with another friend (Do you notice a pattern?).  It seems that I need that other person with me to exercise.  I'm not one to be intrinsically motivated.  I don't want to go anywhere alone and I need that person to lean on.

This makes me feel terrible.  I can't help but ask myself "why can't I do this on my own?" I hate being dependent on others for that motivation but it is what I need.  It's the reason that Weight Watchers works for me.  The meetings make me feel like someone is there with me and watching me, giving me support and encouragement and keeping me under the microscope, which keeps me working at it.  So now, I need a weight watchers exercise program!  Because, I am starting to lose it.  I've called my coworker again.  Maybe when I start up work again I can get back to the gym.  Something has got to give.

I know why, I just won't admit it!

There's a moment in the movie Fools Rush In when Salma Hayek is yelling at her love interest. Matthew Perry (said love interest) is trying to explain why he's been an absentee husband and she interrupts him by yelling EXCUSES, EXCUSES! in her oh so wonderfully accented English.  That's how I feel lately, I have her voice on loop in my brain...

So I had every intention of making this vacation time a period of good and healthy eating and regular and active workout.  None of the that happened.  Why? Well let me give you a few "reasons".........

Ok I don't have any, let me tell you my excuses, I've been tired, my back's been hurting me, I had a BBQ, ran out of the healthy food....See all of these might seem like pretty good reasons but the Salma in my head seems to disagree.  I missed my meeting after the BBQ and my scale at home says my weight is increasing.  It's hot outside so all I want to do is stay cool and oddly enough I don't want to eat whole meals I just want to eat ice cream or anything cold, that's it.  So instead I've been laying about being lazy and terrible.  I'm out of motivation again...sigh.