Ok, so that didn't work.

So that last post lasted all of one day.  I'm lost as to what is going on. I don't have any motivation at all and I'm not sure what is happening right about now.  I'm all rearing to go and then fizzle out before the day is done.  My weight is steadily climbing and I'm showing no kind of self control.  So I'm starting again.  Ugh...I'm really upset at myself and I know that's not a good way to motivate or stay motivated, but it is how I feel.  Totally defeated.

New Beginnings

I recently changed the background on my phone to one that says "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about".  I cannot get the fact that I need to get back to my weight loss off my mind, back to working out and feeling better.  So although all I want to do is give up I won't because I really want this to work, because I've already accomplished so much so far, and because I'd like to think that when it comes to my weight loss it's too late to stop now.  Of course it's not but I'd like to think that it is.  I have accomplished goals and then lost them.  I reached Onederland and then promptly got myself thrown out!  So here I am, again beginning something that has not really ended.  And, I'm not waiting until Sunday or Monday giving myself the excuse that starting a diet/life change at the beginning of a week seems more even and symmetrical.   I am beginning today because I woke up today, because I'm lighter today than I might be on Sunday if I go without my plan, and because once again I want to go back to those feelings of accomplishment, of positive thinking and of possibilities I had before.  Why have I gone off track? Why does anyone? Life, stressed, depressed, tired, who knows?  What I do know is that I spent the grand part of my life with food being the controlling central factor, and for a year now that all changed.  It was still central but not controlling and I'm ready to get back to that point.  It has been a few weeks but that is not that long.  It's an extended vacation! I can do this, I know I can, I've done it before!

Here's to new beginnings; with purpose and strength in my stride!

WTF?

Ummm, not only have I fallen off of the bandwagon, but its left me way behind and to the point that I can't even see a smoke cloud and no hitchhikers will pick me up.

I know what I need to do, but for the life of me I just can't seem to want to do it.  Notice that I didn't say I can't do it.  I've done it before so I know I CAN do it.  But, I don't WANT to do it...and that makes all the difference!

On the road to nowhere...

I've recently had a major setback.  I gained 10 lbs.  Of course I know why I gained it.  I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for.  I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from.  And, it is all due to eating emotionally.  I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me.  And I know that it is a problem that I have.  I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?"  Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals.  I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.

Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt.  Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick.  But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with.  In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite.  Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough.  Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun.  So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him.  That's food to me.  There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.

I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it.  It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live.  But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.

I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this.  To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road.  Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere.  A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest.  I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it.  My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.

Diminishing Returns...

So the way weight watchers works is that based on some formula that takes height, weight, age, and sex into consideration they calculate the number of points you can eat in a day.  I think the highest points possible are something like 70 or 71, that being for someone who is extremely, morbidly obese.  The lowest points is 26, they do not go below that number.  When I started I was at 41.  As my weight has lowered so to have my points. As of Sunday  I can only eat 31 points.  Usually this is how the points go down, one point at a time.  But, I find losing points is always a bit of a sad occasion.  One point less in total points plus is one point less that I can eat.  Its not too bad, because its easy to adjust to simply lowering what you eat by one point, but it is also the thought that I cannot eat as much as before.  So in honor of that here are a list of 1 point foods that I enjoy that I can still eat but not if I have already been through my 31 points.

1 lite string cheese
1 laughing cow cheese wedge
1 babybel cheese (are you noticing a pattern?)
1 serving of Newman Own lite dressings (Best light dressing around)
2/3 cup of fat free milk (its the amount I use for my oatmeal in the morning)
1 tbs of Lite butter spread
1 slice of Weight Watchers bread

These may not be the most stimulating things but they make up little staples of my diet, little snacks that get me through my day.  A point is worth a lot.  Ah the value of a point... But in the grand scheme of things I joined weight watchers to lose...weight, and apparently points.

Before the storm...

I've never posted before going to a meeting I realize. Let's see if I can capture this. Before a meeting I'm usually up and ready to go. I get dressed ahead of time and then sit and wait. There used to be this sense of excitement and in a way there still is.  However, mostly now there's just the thought of traffic and parking. Today, I weighed myself in the morning and saw a weight drop but I get nervous that I won't see that when I get to my weigh-in. I rarely eat breakfast unless I have a Slimfast available. That is something I'm usually not afraid to have before I have to go get weighed in. It's like I don't want the added weight of food in my stomach to add to my overall weight. Breakfast I think will derail me.

I'm going to Minnesota to visit my "ever present in this blog" cousin. I want to find a meeting location there and see if I can get to a meeting and a weigh-in. That will help me stay on track. My cousins make the most delicious food and when they don't make it they find places with the most delicious food! So I know I'm going to be eating and that's ok, anything is fine in moderation, but I don't want my brain to think that it can just let me devour the whole world:) I'm excited about seeing them so much I don't care if we eat lard all week but in terms of my eating well and losing weight I know that won't be ideal. Boy is that an understatement. Anyhow, these things are what's running through my head today. I'm leaving early because I'll be driving slowly, what with all the snow from our recent blizzard. I'm hoping for the best and that there is actually a meeting going on. I'm sure there is, WW stops for no one! So here's to getting up and getting through the storm that is each weigh-in.

Update** I went to my meeting and I did indeed have a loss! Yay me:)

Up, up and away....

So, Sunday was quite the day for me.  I went into my meeting after having missed last week.  I went because I found myself doing some thing that I had not done since this whole mishugina weight loss stuff started.  I was skipping a meeting because I thought I would see a weight gain!! (queue the suspense music, dun dun DUN!!)

Of course when I went back, my meeting leader managed to somehow make the meeting about me.  (He didn't really but somehow I feel that every meeting is about me, and I guess that's what makes WW special.  They manage to talk about things that really do impact members no matter who they are.)  He said, and these words came from someone else who he thought just expressed the importance of meetings perfectly, "when you gain weight you need a meeting, when you lose weight the meeting needs you".  Perfect, because this was one of those days where i needed the meeting and the meeting needed me!   I sat quietly until I felt I had something to contribute, like the fact that my waist has gone from a 44 inch to a 36 inch! Whoop Whoop! But, then came the moment of truth.  He asked us to share any weight loss.  I had my book with my latest weigh-in results on it. I was down one pound.  Not a big deal in grand scheme of things, at least that's what  I told myself in my mind but of course every pound counts because they add up to great moments like these and these. But I shared the one thing I had been waiting all this time to share.  I have finally made it to Onederland! The leading number in my weight is 1. You can go here if you want to know what Onederland is. I mentioned in that post not knowing what this would feel like and your know what.  It feels phenomenal and now that its been a few days since then, scary as hell.  When I first said it at the meeting I burst into tears, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid doing hence the quiet waiting for the moment when that question was asked.  When I called my cousin, I burst into tears again. (Are you noticing a pattern here?)

It is unbelievable to be here, of course I'm still in the dilemma that I feel like I look today exactly how I looked 20 lbs ago but I'm sure I don't, I probably do but I'm trying to convince myself I don't, even though I do...ok so that's what the conversation in my head sounds like.  But, the fear comes in that I'm still closer to up than down.  Its like what if one day Superman goes up up and away and isn't paying attention and so smacks into a brick wall on his way up?  You might say "well duh, it's Superman, he'll just rip right through that stupid wall." But what if that wall was made out of kryptonite, or in my case ice cream!! Catch my drift.  There is more fear in me than excitement. And a part of me feels like well this is to be expected.  There is always a little fear in change, but I feel my fear will cause me to regress and that would really, really suck!

But, positivity, right? That's what I need to focus on.  And keep reminding myself, just because that Ice Cream says Light! Does not mean I can eat 3 servings of it.  Superman may not be stronger than Kryptonite but I am certainly stronger than frozen milk and sugar! (hopefully, no I am, maybe, I know I am, or I will be...I can do this! Right? Right...maybe)