Time to start again!

Wow it has been almost two years since I last posted on this blog.  So many things have happened.  Some good, some not so good.  I have in many ways abandoned my weight watchers plan.  Even while I have continued to pay for my plan.  3 days ago I decided to reset.  I have been on a very strict eating regimen trying to get myself off of the sugars and fats that have been taking over my life for the better part of a year.  I am up 37lbs from the lowest I have ever been and it is weighing heavily on my mind and body.  37lbs up means I'm back at the 200s.  I am unmotivated, nothing fits, and my depression has been making everything even worse.  I no longer work out, I no longer eat healthy but I am determined to make that change.  I am going back to my meeting today.  I am probably going to sit in the back in shame, but at least I will be there.  I started this "reset" of eating 4 days ago.  I am already down 5lbs.  I am happy about that but not excited.  This weight loss is a result of a very strict way of eating.  This coming Friday I should be back to eating normally.  I think at that time I will truly start to get excited about changes.

So to prepare, I think I am going to start a new blog.  This one is all about starting over.  The challenges will be both new and old.  Its about going back and then going forward...this should be interesting...

I'm missing out on a lot

I missed my meeting.  I know that missing meetings is not a good thing, and I know that I need to keep myself going because that keeps me on track and motivated.  Honestly I didn't go because of a combination of reasons. Firstly, because my weight gain has been really bad.  Secondly, I was in too much pain from derby to have any motivation.  Instead I took about 2 hours getting ready and went food shopping.  I mapped out my day's worth of food for today and tomorrow.  I'm hoping that by doing this I'm on my way to getting back on track.  Understandably my weight gain has been exponential because I have been purposely out of control.  How can one do this purposefully? I am always fully aware that I should not be eating something, even while I am swallowing it down.

No control. My main problem and the story of my life...

You know what's another thing that I keep doing?  I keep eating and then taking a nap.  Putting myself in a food coma on purpose.  I think that what's happening is that the eating is making me happy (the way food always does) and the sleeping is making it so that I don't have to feel the backlash of negative emotions I feel when I don't eat the way I should.

This pattern has been going on for several months.  I think my goal for this week will have to be to try and stop this.  I hope that getting back to an exercise routine will help to do this by boosting my energy levels.  I can't really think of another way to break this cycle.  Sometimes I tell myself "well stupid" if you would just stop going to bed then problem solved!  Although in reality, if it was just a matter of "don't do it" I would most likely not be having this problem.  

Ok so my positive thoughts for the week to make sure I make it through. Track, track, track...get my but up doing my new exercise routine, and maybe stop calling myself stupid.  I can be really harsh, what's that about? Oh yeah, its just me being me...

Derby Days: Even my thoughts hurt

Ugh, the next day after a work out doing things you never do with your body is ALWAYS the worst! I  am in so much pain that I want to just die, because rigor mortis sets in and that means my body freezes and I don't have to move.

Yesterday's assistant teacher actually said "you want to lean your body to the point that you are just suspended in the air".  I don't know about you but I can't fly, nor float for that matter, so to be told to bend sideways to the point that pieces of me are "suspended in the air" is not just difficult but seriously painful.  Of course he showed us what he was talking about and he did indeed look like he was floating in the air but sweet lord is my body NOT ready for that.  Suffice it to say I fell so hard I'm pretty sure I had to pick up my butt cheek when I stood back up.

This is just one of the reason's everything hurts.  Of course the other reason is that I'm terribly out of shape.  I have been gaining ridiculous amounts of weight, not working out even a bit and yet asking my body to hold itself up.  I need to get it together because otherwise things are not going to go well. (sigh)

Oh yeah and tomorrow I'm going to start my derby specific workout routine.  First thing I had to do was a test to see how strong my core was.  I had to do a one leg/one arm up plank.  I was able to hold that for ohhhhh.... I'd say 0:00 seconds.  Yup, I couldn't even get my arm and leg off the floor.   I'm going to blame that on the muscle soreness I'm already feeling and not on the ridiculousness that is my body! I recorded a video, if it wasn't so tragic it would be funny. I really hope that I'll watch it someday and think of it as funny. (sigh...again)

I'm still holding on; still working to make it through.  I don't want to quit so I need to make sure I do the things off skate that will help me get there.

I also think I need a place to practice being on my skates... I'll see if I tackle this next week.

Derby Days: what is this pain?

My first day of derby basic training began with me arriving 10 mins late because I had to go to Brooklyn and like any true Manhattanite I don't bother with the outer boroughs until forced.  I had my brand new gear, my fresh load of fear, and the frantic thoughts of "what was I thinking?" running through my mind. Luckily being late did two things for me: 1. It gave just enough adrenaline that as I rushed to get there my body was two steps ahead of my brain and thus 2. It left me with little chance to talk myself into just turning around and going home. I ran out and jumped right into the floor exercises.

Ok first off, there needs be a "gear" class.  Something that teaches the inept people like me how to put all this crap on. I am happy to say that Vicious Van Gogo was there to at least help me with my helmet. She was very sweet to help and explain things.  I was the last person on the track because it just took me so long. And, I don't think I quite figured out my elbow pads. I need a YouTube "how to" video, STAT!  Secondly, my back hurts.  I think I was born without a core. Is that possible? If it is then I'm it! Finally, I am totally intimidated by awesome chicks on skates.  I am not above admitting that I am downright feeling teeny tiny in the ego area when it comes to this stuff.  I need to up my inner sense of "badassness". If that's not a word, I'm gonna make it one! I'm starting a badassness meter. My meter is currently at 0. 

Day 1 I am happy to say I actually stayed on my skates for the entire time we were on them (I haven't really skated  since I was about 11 or so). Day 2 I fell but only after I was clipped by someone else's skate, so I feel this does not seem too bad for maintaining my balance. By the time the 2 hours of day 1 was over I could already feel things starting to ache, by the next morning my whole body was on fire.  

It has now been two practices. I have come to the realization that I need to start working out during the week. Waiting until practice is not good.  Of course I haven't actually done any working out, it's just that I REALIZE I need to workout.  I am not yet feeling motivated to get the hell up off my butt.  Right now I am dealing with my depression, which among other things makes me feel a bit defeated before I even begin (see badassness meter reference above). It also makes me hungry. I am eating all kinds of nonsense and despite the fact that I am aware of this, I am doing it anyway. Eating makes me feel in control even when it signifies the exact opposite. Sometimes perception is stronger than fact.  I have finished an entire pack of Oreos on my own (in about two days). I'm pretty sure my cousins haven't had any, so it was all me (if this continues my BAN meter is going to dip into the negative digits). 

On that note my fatassness meter is at about a 7. This is No Bueno.  My cousin suggested I could call myself Bronx Zu as a derby name, here's hoping it's because I will eventually skate like a badass animal, both graceful and deadly, rather than eat like a fatass one, both copiously and slothful. (No offense to sloths, who are in my opinion quite lean. Additionally, no animals where intentionally harmed or insulted in the creation of the previous metaphor). 

I am not going to be successful at derby if I don't get it together and since I have spent all this money on gear and classes I want to be successful. I am going to try a derby geared workout program. I'm hoping to get it together now that I'm going into week three! I need to go home and clean out my cupboards again. I have to get rid of all my "non-clean" food.  I need to start tracking my points and getting my head in the literal and figurative game. I need to get off my butt! 

Here's to new beginnings.

Time is a fickle thing

It has been a year since I last posted and that year has been quite a ride.  I have lost and gained, triumphed and quit, I have gone off weight watchers (though still paid every month), did one exercise program after another and came out slightly better and worse in the end.  I lost as many as 95 lbs and have seen changes in myself I would not have imagined. But things have not remained on the upswing.  I never set a weight goal, not surprisingly I never reached one.  And, although it aught to seem obvious I am not entirely sure (convinced) that they are connected to one another.  I am in a dark place and I'm. It sure that I know all the causes of it (my therapist and I are working on it).  But, here is what I do know:

1. My struggle still continues

2. I am not happy with my progress recently

3. My depression has reared its ugly head and thus the source of #2

4. I am backsliding with my weight, again see #2

5. I want something to change so badly it makes my eyes burn with the tears I am not shedding out of desperation and fear of a full breakdown 

6. I have joined a roller derby training group (I know this is completely out of left field). 

7. I am hoping that this connection to something different then what I am used to, something new and challenging in entirely different ways, and something that is outside my comfort zone because it requires physical exertion, also provides the boost towards positivity of body and mind that I need. 

I'm going to start posting about my Derby experience on this blog. Every Derby entrance will be entitled Derby Days. I'm hoping this will help me find threads between all the things connected to my life and weight loss so I can start to work on those parts of myself. I'm still going to make weight watchers work for me and I still have high hopes for finally reaching a sense of peace within myself. 

I am a work in progress, as we all are, now I just need to actually get back to work. 

Success is best measured in small doses

This sunday was AWESOME! I had a huge and unbelievable loss.  5.8 lbs.  It was especially cool because I was expecting a gain.  So this week I started on an upswing.  I haven't been good all week but I have been tracking absolutely everything! I feel proud of myself for that.  Recently i find that i have been running away from the tracking.  As if not tracking would somehow mean I wouldn't feel bad about eating it.  Since it wasn't permanently down on paper but I think that this is the best way to do it.

This week its been an entirely different issue.  I have the bad habit of weighing myself almost everyday just to check how much my weight is fluctuating, its strange but this week I have been gaining wait steadily everyday the scale goes up.  I am of course driving myself crazy with this but I cannot help it.  It seems that the more I concentrate on tracking and following the plan the more I begin to obsess on what the scale says.  Of course this week I'm supposed to be getting my period and that can affect my weight too as I retain water.  Jeez the issues of being a female trying to lose weight.  I think I just need to keep tracking and keep working out and let the chips fall where they may, although I just know if they don't fall where I want them to I'm going to be really upset.  Which will likely derail me and that's the worse because I'm really closer to goal then I would have ever believed and now is when it is getting the hardest!! But, positive thoughts and attitude! I can do this, and 5 lbs up is better than 15 or 50, which I am very capable of. So here's to my lost 5.8 and to my tracking EVERYTHING and to staying on plan no matter what my home scale says:)

Walking on the wild side

So today I woke up feeling so much better than last night.  Last night was hard, I had a world of emotional baggage that came out and that I still have to deal with.  It made me retreat into myself, but it was a sort of a final moment after a week of being off plan and eating terribly! This weeks topic was again emotional eating and of course I did a lot of that.  Today I am back on plan, tracking, and got in my workout.  I think that this is what I have to remember that I need to do no matter how far I go.  Getting back on plan and getting back to what I know is best for me is the most important thing.  That's one thing I can see throughout this blog and my journey, that I am not likely to walk away from this.  That I keep coming back to it no matter how far I go from it, and that the great thing is that the plan is always there, waiting to help me track and get back on track.  So for today, its all about finding the positive in negative, being the best me that it is in me to be, and just trying for what I know I need:)  I feel empowered, I'm a beast, I'm taking name and conquering stuff, lol.

Will Winter one-derlands never cease?

I thought I was done with this blog but the universe keeps brining me back to it. I've been thinking about it and then it just keeps coming up in conversations, or my cousin entwined it or it just pops into my head, so I figured why not just give in. 

So September of 2013 was the beginning of ups and downs. I lost the weight I gained over the summer (so hurray) but plateauing and going up and down is becoming the name of the game. Still positive feelings are there. Buried deep down. Struggling to get out. Choking for air, but there nonetheless.  I think. I'm happy to say that I've reached Onederland and I've been here for well over a month and even when I go up my body brings me back down and that makes me sooo happy.  However I'm not as excited as I thought I would be. I think it's because I'm becoming inconsistent and I know who is to blame. Because, let's face it, it's always easier to blame someone else, so my blame heads to Mother Nature!! This winter has been BRUTAL!! What the hell!! Snow, -0 degree weather, and dark days followed by grey afternoons and even darker nights have lead me on a merry chase when it comes to getting on track and continuing to lose.  I can't get it together, I'm tired, my feelings are low and plummeting ever more and I'm questioning EVERYTHING! Seasonal depression is real and it's kicking my butt. 

That makes it hard to stay on plan. I want things that are warm and heavy. I don't want cold salads or an abundance of vegetables. I want carbs and meat. Nothing else will do, or at least that's what my stomach says. So I'm at meeting, down 3.8 from two weeks ago and really wanting to get back in the swing of things. Now if only the weather would cooperate. 

Where does the time go?

I know a lot of my time went into not following the plan.  Summer came and although I had all kinds of good intentions my good intentions went nowhere. I gained weight over the summer rather than losing it and I felt my weight loss was becoming a burden rather than a good thing.  But, all things change as they must and for the past three weeks I have been riding high.  I'm trying to come back into my positive attitude, I've been working out every morning and I have been tracking, tracking, tracking!! When you are on plan, tracking is the thing that you are constantly reminded of, because the truth is the more you track the more aware you are of what you eat and the less likely you are to over do it.  Tracking is really just a way to not only count your points but to journal your food and I sound like the commercial but it genuinely works.  So, my plans for now...keep tracking, keep positive and be creative:) I know I can do it, I've done it before.

I'm a weekday warrior!

During the week I am on plan and on the go.  When I'm on plan and motivated, I feel like nothing can keep me down.  Wake up early to workout? No problem.  Track all your food? In the bag.  Make good choices? So easy its laughable.  But then the weekend comes and with it Armageddon   Let me tell you that having to go through the end of the world when it comes to my healthy habits, every weekend, is exhausting.  I have no set routine.  I might be doing this or doing that and so I seem to lose all will power and ability to make good choices.  I suddenly resent the strictures that during the week, I embrace.  I make food plans and then break them with no issues.  Case in point.  This past Saturday I went to a birthday party for a 6 year old.  In the morning I had a sensible breakfast.  I went over to my friend's house and we did half of our scheduled workout, not ideal but still good.  I had a sensible well balanced lunch, two hard boiled, toast, apple, orange and banana.  Tracked it all and all was right in my world...Then I find myself in front of a table of appetizers, two fried pastelitos (beef patties), kipes (which are also fried), then the most incredible thing: I'm sitting next to a bag of candy.  I reach in a take one, it was Willy Wonka taffy.  Then I reach in and take another.  The whole time I'm talking, laughing and generally enjoying myself and in the back of my mind ignoring that little voice that is telling me to stop eating the candy.  I then of course get into a battle with myself, where I tell myself to stop being so damn controlling because it's only one day, while simultaneously telling myself I really should stop eating the candy.  I'm my own bickering married couple, all while smiling and joking at the people around me.  The thing is, I really had no business eating that candy.  I didn't particularly want it.  It wasn't necessarily something I craved. And currently as I type this during my break period, in between classes, in the desk behind me there are two snickers bars that have been there for over a week.  I think about them often, really want to eat them, but then consider that I could get a whole meal for the points "cost" of those bars and tell myself its not worth it.  And I don't eat them.  Simple as that. So what is it about the weekends, the lack of routine, and social settings that makes staying on plan so damn hard?

I fight the battle and win the day Monday through Friday (afternoon), and then, I crash like, Custard losing the battle on week end days.  Do you know that's the worst part.  It will take me one week of being good to loose 1 lb and one day of being bad to gain 1 and 1/2 back (sigh).  But, the fight must go on....

There's a Rumbly in my Tumbly!

"Hum dum de dum, hum dum de dum
I'm so rumbly in my tumblyTime to munch an early luncheonHum dum de dum, dum
Read more: WINNIE THE POOH - RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY LYRICS 

Oh Pooh Bear, you're so right on the money! Breakfast this morning was delicious, scrambled egg whites, 2oz of turkey breast deli slices, and a slice of Swiss cheese on a sandwich thin bun, 6 points of wonderful and filling.  However, I find myself here at work, falling asleep after a strange night of tossing and turning and I am having one realization after another.

First, being tired makes me hungry.  I found myself eating an apple right before my first class started almost as if the food would give me a pick me up and I suppose it did, because I got through class ok and my students were none the wiser about how I felt.  Once the class was over though, the yawning commenced and I felt like I was hungry again.  I thought to myself maybe I should get some coffee to pick me up, so I went downstairs to the teacher's cafeteria.  While there I purchased a cup of coffee, which I then put half and half and too much sugar into (not good), then I purchased 2 small bananas and a  fruit salad made up mostly from melon, pineapple and grapes.  I came upstairs and ate all of it.  I sat back and then had revelation number 2.  I was happy, really deeply felt satisfaction kind of happy, like I had accomplished something that was long on my list and now could stand back and admire my work and myself...I'm full and although I'm still a bit tired my mood seems on the up because I feel that my stomach is full to bursting.  Talk about an early luncheon.  It is not so much everything I ate in a short time, breakfast, apple, then full on fruit extravaganza with coffee (I know its a strange and disparate kind of combo).  It is a different aspect of my emotional eating, which I have discussed before here. If I calculate, I had breakfast at 6 am and I ate all of this at 9:30 am.  That's a three hour difference between breakfast and fruit-a-palooza, and so there is no reason to think that I would not be hungry, especially since lunch is not until 12:16 pm.  However, what struck me was was the joy, the elation I felt at being full that made me aware of just how food affects me.  I know I enjoy a good meal but fruit and a coffee do not a "meal" make.  It is not the food that makes me happy, it is the feeling of fullness, the joy of being stuffed, that is the problem.  I must find other ways of making myself feel good.  I just don't know what that will be.  I kinda wish I was home so that I could immediately work this off with an exercise routine.  (Now where did that thought come from?)

Oh well, I am not home, I am here, and there is nothing for me to do but get on with my day...I'll have to ponder the meaning of this a little later I suppose.  I think I'll take a walk around the floor before my next class starts.

This one is for me.

This journey has been so ongoing and I think that I have lost sight of the long haul of it.  I was so used to a seemingly endless drop, that I think my mind began to think it would be seamless, but no longer.   I'm back on track and again losing but I think that I have learned a valuable lesson from these weeks of not having a success of which to speak of.  There is no going back...

I will never be able to eat as I did, to not workout as I did, to be who I was.  That is hard to accept sometimes, because in the end and in many real ways, I am still me.  It is still me in my head and even though she has changed a bit physically, it is still me when I look in the mirror.  However, it is not me at my core.  It is not me fundamentally and it will never be the "old" me again, not if I want to be successful.  

This week I found myself deciding not to go anywhere and to stay home.  Weekends have been turning into an ordeal because I find it so much harder to stay on plan when I am not the one preparing meals.  So I had a choice to make.  It does not mean that I will never go out again, but I need to choose my battles wisely.  If I went out last week I do not need to do so this week.  It's ok to miss out on a few things.  I will survive, and I did survive and I saw a weight loss on the scale because of it.  So this one is for getting back on track, back in the race, and just plain back to the me who felt that I could do this.  The new me, the me I want to be.

Progress, no matter how small

So yesterday I tracked my food.  I didn't stay within my points.  My friend came over the day before yesterday and she had purchased a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream.  I thought she had finished it so when I looked in the freezer yesterday imagine my surprise to see that it was still there.  Not all of it.  She had eaten about a third, but if you have ever read a Haagen Dazs label you'll know that two thirds is a whole lot of everything.  I fought myself, walked away, drank water, ate lunch, but to no avail.  I eventually ate it, but I also made sure that I tracked it.  And so I went through my day.  Actually ended up tracking today what I had last night, but I tracked it.  That's what matters.  Today we will see were the day takes me.  I have plans for working out but also for staying active by doing laundry and my hair, but again, we'll have to see where the day takes me, because I have a book that I'm reading and when it comes to reading I will totally put everything off just so I can read one more page.  Anyhow, I feel that this battle is about to get really uphill for me, but what matters is that I fight it, right? And, it's the sum of the battles won that ultimately wins the war. So I've got my armor on, and I'm off to the field. Pray for me.

Ok, so that didn't work.

So that last post lasted all of one day.  I'm lost as to what is going on. I don't have any motivation at all and I'm not sure what is happening right about now.  I'm all rearing to go and then fizzle out before the day is done.  My weight is steadily climbing and I'm showing no kind of self control.  So I'm starting again.  Ugh...I'm really upset at myself and I know that's not a good way to motivate or stay motivated, but it is how I feel.  Totally defeated.

New Beginnings

I recently changed the background on my phone to one that says "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about".  I cannot get the fact that I need to get back to my weight loss off my mind, back to working out and feeling better.  So although all I want to do is give up I won't because I really want this to work, because I've already accomplished so much so far, and because I'd like to think that when it comes to my weight loss it's too late to stop now.  Of course it's not but I'd like to think that it is.  I have accomplished goals and then lost them.  I reached Onederland and then promptly got myself thrown out!  So here I am, again beginning something that has not really ended.  And, I'm not waiting until Sunday or Monday giving myself the excuse that starting a diet/life change at the beginning of a week seems more even and symmetrical.   I am beginning today because I woke up today, because I'm lighter today than I might be on Sunday if I go without my plan, and because once again I want to go back to those feelings of accomplishment, of positive thinking and of possibilities I had before.  Why have I gone off track? Why does anyone? Life, stressed, depressed, tired, who knows?  What I do know is that I spent the grand part of my life with food being the controlling central factor, and for a year now that all changed.  It was still central but not controlling and I'm ready to get back to that point.  It has been a few weeks but that is not that long.  It's an extended vacation! I can do this, I know I can, I've done it before!

Here's to new beginnings; with purpose and strength in my stride!

WTF?

Ummm, not only have I fallen off of the bandwagon, but its left me way behind and to the point that I can't even see a smoke cloud and no hitchhikers will pick me up.

I know what I need to do, but for the life of me I just can't seem to want to do it.  Notice that I didn't say I can't do it.  I've done it before so I know I CAN do it.  But, I don't WANT to do it...and that makes all the difference!

On the road to nowhere...

I've recently had a major setback.  I gained 10 lbs.  Of course I know why I gained it.  I made very conscious decision to eat and not workout, that I am now paying for.  I'm off track, off course and off roading, pick your driving metaphor, the point is that I am not where I once was and yet right back to where I started from.  And, it is all due to eating emotionally.  I've spoken before about emotional eating and how it derails me.  And I know that it is a problem that I have.  I was reading an article on this page that has a self-test on emotional eating, or course I passed, or failed depending on your outlook because I answered yes to all the questions like: "Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or when you're full?"  Do I ever? Those are my favorite meals.  I feel better, accomplished, soothed, calmed, happy, fulfilled, when I eat.

Sometimes I watch movies about people who do drugs and before they take the drug they are shaking, upset, uncontrolled, and afterwards they become tranquil, the drug almost instantly running through their system and taking away all the bad that they feel and felt.  Granted I have never actually seen someone do drugs so I have no way of knowing if the effects of it are that quick, but I know that when I am feeling all over the place and I eat, the calming effect is indeed that quick.  But, much like with drugs, it is eventually over and in the end I am left with food that has run its course and with the same sad, anxious, hollow and needy feeling that lead me to eat to begin with.  In the past I've talked about food as a weakness, and compared it to Superman's weakness to kryptonite.  Except I don't think the comparison I made was accurate enough.  Because, food is necessary to life and living, so a more apt comparison is what if kryptonite was also Superman's sun.  So that the thing that was a necessity to him was also what kills him.  That's food to me.  There are times where my need to eat is so overwhelming to me, feels so real no matter how much I've already eaten, is so physically empowering while not physically necessary that I cannot help but give in.

I get tired of counting it, or thinking about it, or even eating it and yet I know that in its varying forms it is the only way I can get myself off of depending on it.  It is necessary to survive and yet not necessary to live.  But when the emotions overwhelm it is so hard to tell myself that and believe it.

I need to get to the root of the emotion, I know this.  To see what is triggering it and then make a conscious decision not to go there, but, in the end I find myself lacking strength, lacking self, and lacking the drive necessary to stay on the right road.  Instead, I veer off course and find myself on a road to nowhere.  A road where I don't get what I want, I'm worse off than I started, and whose destination I detest.  I am sad, I am empty and I am hungry, and for now although I know what I should do, I don't know how to do it.  My compass is broken and I feel I am truly lost, and headed nowhere.

Diminishing Returns...

So the way weight watchers works is that based on some formula that takes height, weight, age, and sex into consideration they calculate the number of points you can eat in a day.  I think the highest points possible are something like 70 or 71, that being for someone who is extremely, morbidly obese.  The lowest points is 26, they do not go below that number.  When I started I was at 41.  As my weight has lowered so to have my points. As of Sunday  I can only eat 31 points.  Usually this is how the points go down, one point at a time.  But, I find losing points is always a bit of a sad occasion.  One point less in total points plus is one point less that I can eat.  Its not too bad, because its easy to adjust to simply lowering what you eat by one point, but it is also the thought that I cannot eat as much as before.  So in honor of that here are a list of 1 point foods that I enjoy that I can still eat but not if I have already been through my 31 points.

1 lite string cheese
1 laughing cow cheese wedge
1 babybel cheese (are you noticing a pattern?)
1 serving of Newman Own lite dressings (Best light dressing around)
2/3 cup of fat free milk (its the amount I use for my oatmeal in the morning)
1 tbs of Lite butter spread
1 slice of Weight Watchers bread

These may not be the most stimulating things but they make up little staples of my diet, little snacks that get me through my day.  A point is worth a lot.  Ah the value of a point... But in the grand scheme of things I joined weight watchers to lose...weight, and apparently points.

Before the storm...

I've never posted before going to a meeting I realize. Let's see if I can capture this. Before a meeting I'm usually up and ready to go. I get dressed ahead of time and then sit and wait. There used to be this sense of excitement and in a way there still is.  However, mostly now there's just the thought of traffic and parking. Today, I weighed myself in the morning and saw a weight drop but I get nervous that I won't see that when I get to my weigh-in. I rarely eat breakfast unless I have a Slimfast available. That is something I'm usually not afraid to have before I have to go get weighed in. It's like I don't want the added weight of food in my stomach to add to my overall weight. Breakfast I think will derail me.

I'm going to Minnesota to visit my "ever present in this blog" cousin. I want to find a meeting location there and see if I can get to a meeting and a weigh-in. That will help me stay on track. My cousins make the most delicious food and when they don't make it they find places with the most delicious food! So I know I'm going to be eating and that's ok, anything is fine in moderation, but I don't want my brain to think that it can just let me devour the whole world:) I'm excited about seeing them so much I don't care if we eat lard all week but in terms of my eating well and losing weight I know that won't be ideal. Boy is that an understatement. Anyhow, these things are what's running through my head today. I'm leaving early because I'll be driving slowly, what with all the snow from our recent blizzard. I'm hoping for the best and that there is actually a meeting going on. I'm sure there is, WW stops for no one! So here's to getting up and getting through the storm that is each weigh-in.

Update** I went to my meeting and I did indeed have a loss! Yay me:)

Up, up and away....

So, Sunday was quite the day for me.  I went into my meeting after having missed last week.  I went because I found myself doing some thing that I had not done since this whole mishugina weight loss stuff started.  I was skipping a meeting because I thought I would see a weight gain!! (queue the suspense music, dun dun DUN!!)

Of course when I went back, my meeting leader managed to somehow make the meeting about me.  (He didn't really but somehow I feel that every meeting is about me, and I guess that's what makes WW special.  They manage to talk about things that really do impact members no matter who they are.)  He said, and these words came from someone else who he thought just expressed the importance of meetings perfectly, "when you gain weight you need a meeting, when you lose weight the meeting needs you".  Perfect, because this was one of those days where i needed the meeting and the meeting needed me!   I sat quietly until I felt I had something to contribute, like the fact that my waist has gone from a 44 inch to a 36 inch! Whoop Whoop! But, then came the moment of truth.  He asked us to share any weight loss.  I had my book with my latest weigh-in results on it. I was down one pound.  Not a big deal in grand scheme of things, at least that's what  I told myself in my mind but of course every pound counts because they add up to great moments like these and these. But I shared the one thing I had been waiting all this time to share.  I have finally made it to Onederland! The leading number in my weight is 1. You can go here if you want to know what Onederland is. I mentioned in that post not knowing what this would feel like and your know what.  It feels phenomenal and now that its been a few days since then, scary as hell.  When I first said it at the meeting I burst into tears, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid doing hence the quiet waiting for the moment when that question was asked.  When I called my cousin, I burst into tears again. (Are you noticing a pattern here?)

It is unbelievable to be here, of course I'm still in the dilemma that I feel like I look today exactly how I looked 20 lbs ago but I'm sure I don't, I probably do but I'm trying to convince myself I don't, even though I do...ok so that's what the conversation in my head sounds like.  But, the fear comes in that I'm still closer to up than down.  Its like what if one day Superman goes up up and away and isn't paying attention and so smacks into a brick wall on his way up?  You might say "well duh, it's Superman, he'll just rip right through that stupid wall." But what if that wall was made out of kryptonite, or in my case ice cream!! Catch my drift.  There is more fear in me than excitement. And a part of me feels like well this is to be expected.  There is always a little fear in change, but I feel my fear will cause me to regress and that would really, really suck!

But, positivity, right? That's what I need to focus on.  And keep reminding myself, just because that Ice Cream says Light! Does not mean I can eat 3 servings of it.  Superman may not be stronger than Kryptonite but I am certainly stronger than frozen milk and sugar! (hopefully, no I am, maybe, I know I am, or I will be...I can do this! Right? Right...maybe)