There's a storm a'comin!!

So Hurricane Sandy is going on outside my door and all I can think about is food.  It gets pretty boring stuck in the house with nowhere to go and nothing to do.  Food is my favorite past time.  The eating of it of course, not the making.  I'm glad that when I went to shop for the storm I decided I would buy some fruit.  I have been munching every few hours.  Strawberries, bananas and grapes...I just ran out of grapes so that has lead me to finding entertainment in blogging.  We'll see how long this lasts.  Good thing the storm should be out of here by tomorrow night because if I run out of fruit I am going to start in on the ice cream in my freezer and that is "no bueno", nope, not good at all!

Yesterday I went to McDonalds.  A terrible decision I'm sure but I needed something to eat and I needed it fast.  I had been awake for hours, a little hungover, and on my way to meet my neighbor to get take her to BJs wholesale so she could buy things for our annual Halloween party for kids in our building.  I definitely needed to eat before then.  I bought a Big Mac and two apple pies (and water to drink).  I ate that burger and one pie for a total for 21 points.   The big mac being 14, the pie 7.  It was such a shock! That's like two meals worth of points.  Let me put these points in perspective.  This afternoon I had a Lean Cuisine Chicken Parmesan meal, a string cheese, a banana, strawberries and an ice cream sandwich for the same points of the Big Mac.  That really makes you think twice about what you are eating and why.  My whole life is now a matter of points and I don't mind it mostly because I don't think I get a sense of what I'm eating in any other way.  Not even if counting calories.  The numbers being smaller are manageable and easier to count.  (I'm mathematically retarded)  I think that's why this is working for me, although lately I've been pretty bad and just maintaining.  I really need to get back in the groove of things and go back to a meeting.  Good thing I have a monthly plan that lets me go back anytime I want.  Its time to kick this into high gear again!!

Oh, how the mighty have...leaned to the side?

I have not been to a meeting in about 4 weeks.  I was too busy involved with other things.  My weight loss I think has been maintained for the most part but I think this Sunday will be the true testament to that.  I actually miss my meetings.  My meeting leader and all the people who are there regularly have seemingly become a staple in my life.  I like feeling like I was part of the regulars and I'm curious about how everyone else is doing.  These past two days have been hard.  My emotions are running low and I find myself eating more, but I have been tracking even the bad stuff and that is what I need to keep myself in control.  Two nights ago I dropped a friend off at home and then drove by a McDonald's on the way back and actually pulled into the driveway and ordered.  The whole time I was thinking that I really should not eat that stuff but that little voice inside my head was overwhelmingly overpowered by my stomach.  The thing is I'm pretty sure that I was feeding my emotions and not my body.  I'm pretty sure that, that is what I have been doing since then as well.

Emotions seem to be my downfall.  I need to keep them in check if I am going to succeed and yet how can one control emotions?  Especially when they are caused by third parties!  Eating is my longtime soother and I just don't know of another way to soothe.  I spoke to people, did not keep my emotions bottled up and did what I thought I would have to in order to feel better, like exercise (gasp).  That however, did not alter the way in which I approached food over those days.  And I'm left feeling bad, but I refuse to have this make me feel it's all over.  So, I feel a need to stand myself up straight, know that I can do this, and keep on trucking.  And realize, that the important thing is not that I soothe my emotions with food, but rather that in the end I recognize that it won't solve my problems or take the emotions away and when it comes to the hard stuff, you just have to let yourself feel it and go with the flow. Right? Right!

Run, Forrest!

So I'm looking good, feeling good, but sooo not into it. I'm tired of counting points, tired of working out, and tired of watching everything I eat. I'm tired of thinking about food in general. Kind of wish I didn't have to eat. Never thought I'd say this but food in general is making me sick and tired. So what's a fat girl to do? Well, I have to keep eating there's no choice with that. And if I want to keep losing weight I know I have to keep exercising. I think what I need is just to recharge my batteries and re-motivate myself. I have to remember that this is for the long haul and that I've got a long way to go. But, I also have to remember that I've come a long way already and I need to be proud of that. Something that is easier said than done. Now this weight watchers thing is turning into a new kind of hard...not hard to get started, hard but to stick to. To actually go in it for the long run. This is my marathon, except, before I could go at a steady jog and now I feel like I've got to sprint to the end.

Shiny, happy people...

Crazy how this entire journey has been a nonstop series of ups and downs. As I have often said. This week was definitely an up. I went to my weigh in and had a surprise I did not expect, a huge weight loss. I lost 7 lbs this week. I don't trust that this loss is going to stick because its too much for one week but it still felt good to go and see that. My leader made me an example at the meeting and made me tell my total weight loss so far.

I'm feeling positive about what's happening right now, I'm looking good and people can see it in my face that I am feeling differently about myself and my self image. I still have all my issues those will take time to resolve, if ever they are resolved, but it is wonderful to at least have some of my perspective change and shift. I've decided that I want to again try my hand at maybe cooking. I've been buying a lot of prepared food because its easier to calculate my points but I would like to eat a few less processes foods. Here's to new outlooks and beginnings! And for a continued happy shiny feeling:)

Still here!

So its been a while.  Summer has pretty much gone and fall has come in with rain (some tornado type stuff) but otherwise nice weather.  I am still here, still going up and down within the same weight range but still feeling positive about where I am.

School has started up again and many of the staff and students have noticed my weight loss, its been nice, I always remember to smile and say thank you when someone comments.  Its my way of beginning to learn how to take a compliment. Yet another way in which I am growing into the person I want to be;)

But, not all has been sunny in my parade.  Although I am trying to stay positive I have been feeling disconnected.  Work just began again and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things.  On a positive note I started working out again this week.  I'm kicking butt and taking names but in a nice way, lol! I feel stronger already.  Went back to my meeting this week after two weeks of not going.  Happy to report only 1 lbs of weight gain, although that happiness comes now after I am days removed from that weigh-in.  On Sunday I was ready to burst into tears.  I cannot lose hope and I know I can do this.  I have the tools that I need, I just need to use them! I'm still here and that's pretty good right?

Surprise, surprise...

Wow.  I can't believe I skipped the entire month of August.  I've been having quite the month literally filled with ups and down.  I lost the 2.6 I had gained after my last post, then I gained again then I lost again and so on and so forth.  But all is not over and dark in my life, (at least when it comes to my outlook) and that's surprising and refreshing.

So here are some positive things that have gotten me through this rather difficult month:

1. I went clothes shopping.  I am wearing the smallest size available at a "plus size" store.  It's unbelievable.  The best thing is that I went shopping and discovered this after one of my weight gain weeks.

2. I like the way I'm looking in my clothes.  That's HUGE! There are still more times then not when I feel like I have nothing to wear and when I really wish I could look differently, but when I do settle on something I am finding that I'm much more likely to be satisfied with what I have on, and not think about it when I walk out the door.

3. Someone at my meeting told a new person that I was an inspiration to her. WHAT :-O!! I was so shocked because she said that the day I had my biggest gain EVER...4.4 lbs.  I cannot believe that I have inspired someone else but I am determined to make her proud.  She has now become one more person to make this work for.  Although all the benefits of this are for me I know that when I keep others in mind I am more likely to feel committed to something.

4. I missed my next Sunday meeting after the 4.4 weight gain but then went in to do my weigh-in on that Tuesday and found that I lost 5.4 lbs.  So I lost those 4.4 plus 1! (Hurray)

5. At that Tuesday meeting I was confident, shared my experience and then encouraged two other members to keep going to meetings and keep going with the program.  I reminded them and myself that they needed to take it one day at the time.  That's all they could do.

Overall, its quite overwhelming and I am ready to continue on my road to steady loss.  Luckily the school year is about to start and I can get back into my routine (The topic of this weeks meeting by the way).  Although I'm not looking forward to going back to work I am looking forward to being able to get into a steady swing of things that include working out and eating right.

Back in the Saddle Again!

Last week was expectedly disappointing.  I had a 2.6 pound weight gain but I determined that I would think positive and I did.  Yes, I gained two pounds but it was over the course of two weeks.  Yes, I gained two pounds but even with those two I still had over a 50lbs weight loss; and yes, I gained two pounds but I was determined to get back on plan, track my butt off, workout, and get back to being a loser in the best sense of the word.  And, that is exactly what I did.  I this week I lost 3.4 lbs.  Now coupled with the gain that 3.4 loss means I'm only 0.8 lbs less then I was at my last lowest, but still... every little bit helps.  I haven't always been the most positive person (and I'm not going to link to any of my old posts because you can look at ALL of my old posts and see that negativity is a big part of who I am) still I feel myself changing from the outside in and the inside out.  It's like my transformation is coming at my from all angles and to be honest it is both exciting and a little frightening.

I want to lose weight, and if I was happy with the old me I would not have felt a need to bring about so much change in myself, but to see yourself becoming someone else leads you into the "what if I don't recognize who I am at the end of this?" territory.  A happy, sad, crazy, and pretty much everywhere on the bipolar scale prospect.  Excited yes, but a still if I am honest with myself, definitely frightening.  Its so much easier to keep the status quo.  I'll have to think on this more.  But on to my meeting today.

So, my meeting was good.  We discussed how to make, order and enjoy a good salad.  Because some people think as long as the word "salad" is included in what you eat then it doesn't matter.  Not knowing or acknowledging that once you get done adding toppings and extras to it, your once healthy salad can be has points/calories/fat dense as any other meal.  People add all this stuff to their salads because they are seriously under the mistaken impression that as long as its on a bed of lettuce anything is healthy or good for you or good for your weight management plan (Sort of like the way I approach non-fat frozen yogurt. "Sure I can add those nothing but sugar loaded and fattening cookie dough bites, mini peanut butter cups, sprinkles and/or cheese cake bits...this yogurt is fat free!"). 

As I was saying...It was a good meeting and full of good advice.  We had an interim leader who took over for my normal leader who is on vacation.  She wasn't my favorite but she was very enthusiastic, and much better this time around then she was last week (hmmmm...I wonder....maybe my weight gain/loss was coloring my perception?).  Anyway next week its back to our regular leader, although she did do something I liked.  She not only celebrated any good news (aka weight loss) but she asked what people attributed this week's success to, that was inspiring to hear what others did. My answer: "Exercise, tracking, and getting back in the saddle when I was bucked off my horse!"

A Day of Reckoning

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I am so nervous I don't know what to do with myself.  I know I will have a weight gain of anywhere from 2-4 lbs.  I've been very bad this week, as seen here and here, and although I began again today and did very well I know I am not going to see the kind of progress I want by tomorrow.  I keep going over this dilema of whether or not I should skip my meeting.  Intellectually I know I shouldn't.  And, really according to the plan and how it works the whole point of the meeting is moments just like these.  They help you stay on track and do what you're supposed to do.  Still, I can't help but want to pull an ostrich.

I hate the feeling of failure.  Thinking of the big picture 2-4 lbs of weight gain still has me at a 50-52 lbs overall weight loss but still, my eternal pessimism isn't equipped to handle that kind of positive thinking.  It is such a daily struggle to look on the bright side and keep myself going.  Like I'm constantly running low on something that seems like it should come so easily...positive outlook.  I think I need to pull a Stewart Smalley if I'm going to make it through tomorrow without binging because I'm sad and depressed and I'm hoping this blog will reinforce my previous belief.  So I'm going to go to my meeting, I'm going to accept that I did not do what I knew I should be doing, and I'm going to go from there.

Taking the time.

Ugh! One of my goals was to increase my workouts and find some kind of exercise balance.  I find that when it comes to exercise it is so easy to just forget about it.  This is by far the hardest part of trying to control my weight.  I know I have the time I just can't seem to take the time to do it.  I think that this is what's causing me problems now more then anything else.  I feel comfortable enough now with Weigh Watchers and the point system that it usually takes me a day to get my eating back on track despite my ups and down. If I could just get into a routine of working out then I think that how I eat would be second to that in which of the two will make me feel is the most beneficial to my weight loss.  But actually getting up and doing something? This is perhaps the hardest thing.

I'm just going to say it I am lazy by nature, inclined to sit and do nothing than to get up and move.  I will always struggle with this it seems and I don't know how to address it.  I'm just not into the exercise and I don't know what to do to motivate myself.   The frustrating thing is that I have been improving in how I see exercise and how I approach it and I even have seen how much exercising can lead to improvement. For a time I was exercising with my friend here in my house over FaceTime and that kept me motivated but her life and schedule has changed and so that has not worked anymore.  We've both seem to have fallen off the workout wagon.  I also go to the gym near my job when my coworker is available and when I'm actually at work.  But lately I've been on vacation so I don't go to the gym because I don't want to go alone.  Yesterday I went to the park and did a two mile walk with another friend (Do you notice a pattern?).  It seems that I need that other person with me to exercise.  I'm not one to be intrinsically motivated.  I don't want to go anywhere alone and I need that person to lean on.

This makes me feel terrible.  I can't help but ask myself "why can't I do this on my own?" I hate being dependent on others for that motivation but it is what I need.  It's the reason that Weight Watchers works for me.  The meetings make me feel like someone is there with me and watching me, giving me support and encouragement and keeping me under the microscope, which keeps me working at it.  So now, I need a weight watchers exercise program!  Because, I am starting to lose it.  I've called my coworker again.  Maybe when I start up work again I can get back to the gym.  Something has got to give.

I know why, I just won't admit it!

There's a moment in the movie Fools Rush In when Salma Hayek is yelling at her love interest. Matthew Perry (said love interest) is trying to explain why he's been an absentee husband and she interrupts him by yelling EXCUSES, EXCUSES! in her oh so wonderfully accented English.  That's how I feel lately, I have her voice on loop in my brain...

So I had every intention of making this vacation time a period of good and healthy eating and regular and active workout.  None of the that happened.  Why? Well let me give you a few "reasons".........

Ok I don't have any, let me tell you my excuses, I've been tired, my back's been hurting me, I had a BBQ, ran out of the healthy food....See all of these might seem like pretty good reasons but the Salma in my head seems to disagree.  I missed my meeting after the BBQ and my scale at home says my weight is increasing.  It's hot outside so all I want to do is stay cool and oddly enough I don't want to eat whole meals I just want to eat ice cream or anything cold, that's it.  So instead I've been laying about being lazy and terrible.  I'm out of motivation again...sigh.

Go me!!

Back from my meeting and all I can say is....I DID IT!! Today I weighed in and I had lost 6 lbs from last week.  Don't ask me how, because I have no idea, but even more momentous was that I finally reached my 50 lbs weight loss!! 51.8 lbs to be exact:)  I did it in a little over 5 months and its unbelievable!

So now a few things have to happen.  1. I need to keep going because I'm not there yet! But I'm gonna get there.  2. I need to go get a pedicure (lol and sigh), though I'm not in a rush to do that if truth be told.  However, I said I would do it and I will.  And I have one person who came out and said they would go with me and since only two people are actively reading my blog you can guess which of two it is and of course she's totally going to be there!

The most incredible thing though is that I have a little over 20 lbs to go to reach Onederland.  Onederland is a term I've seen all over the internet on weight loss sites.  It's the term used by people who are over 200 lbs to describe being 199 lbs and less! I can't even imagine what that day will be like but I am sooooo looking forward to it, there are no words.  I honestly cannot remember being in the ones.  The last 1 weight I remember was when I was 12 and my scale said 160 or somewhere there abouts.  Can you imagine a 12 year olds already 160 lbs?  Thats crazy, especially considering that at that point I was only about 5'4" or 5'5".  But this time its different, because I'm taller and because its means so much more now.  I can almost taste it and being that this is all about changing how I eat the ability to taste something is really important.

And so, here I am.  Standing close to the halfway mark on the climb up my personal mountain.  It's going to be hard and I know I'm going to fall back down a few times but its all about getting up again and continuing my climb, right? Right.  So off I go.

This ferris wheel is making me nauseous

I went out to dinner yesterday with two friends and I did what I was told was a good strategy before going out to dinner.  I drank tons of water, ate a light meal (a hardboiled egg), and looked up the menu so I could calculate my points and decide what I was going to have before I got there.  I got in contact with my friends said I wanted to make sure we were seated and ready to eat no later than 8 and they agreed.  I was golden. The ferris wheel was on its way up!

Then my friends where late.  So instead of being at my house by 6:45 or so they got there close to 7:45.  On our way to the restaurant I realized I forgot my ezpass so we had to turn around and go back because none of us had cash and I had no idea how much the tolls were.  Ferris wheel down... At the restaurant they brought us bread (But I had planned for this).  Using my WW savvy I picked a piece and ate it slowly so that I would not be tempted to reach for more.  I tried to stay engaged in conversation so I wasn't able to stuff my face and be tempted to reach for more...Ferris wheel arriba!  Then my friend goes and ordered fried calamari for the whole table and of course I can't say no, because I'm Ms. Lacking-The-Ability-To-Say-No (Hi, nice to meet ya) and my Ferris wheel took a nose dive.  The rest of the dinner went as planned, I had a salad as my course (although it was huge and full of stuff that I should not have been eating, like bacon bits but still, it was a salad, oh and the dressing was on the side, and I didn't even need it after a while I just pushed it over and ate my salad bare).  At dessert my ferris wheel was stopped, I guess there were others getting off at the bottom.  I had planned for it, did what I wanted, I told the waitress to give me half on a plate and half of it to go.  But I was so full I didn't really want it.  Still, I ate it anyway.  So I was stuck in this place where I did what I said I was going to do but felt bad because it could have been a great chance to just say no, admit I was satisfied and take it home...

So on to my thoughts for today.  Last week was a strange one in terms of weight.  I had gained 0.8lbs from the week before but it was after my brother's birthday party where I drank a little, ate a little, and then took medication cause I hurt my back.  I woke up swollen,  I had to take my ring off because it was cutting into my finger and before that I had wrapped tape around it because it no longer fit.  So I had the feeling that I would have a weight gain and was not surprised or upset that I did.  If anything I was still glad cause I had made it to my meeting despite having gone to bed so late.  And I got to tell them about my size loss which I'll discuss in another post.  This week however I did something I had not done before.  I began weighing myself every morning.  I was doing it at the same time of day.  I woke up, did my morning ablutions and then weighed in, and oddly the scale was going down.  Way down.  To the point where at I was becoming frightened to actually see an 8 lbs drop Saturday morning from the Sunday before.  And I hadn't exercised at all during the week.  Freaky.  Well dinner last night took care of the whole 8lbs thing.  This morning I was only 4 lbs less and then I took a bath and was somehow 3lbs less.  My cousin thinks it might of been all the hair product I use, she says our hair products can get thick.  I'm going to go with that because the thought that I'm gaining lbs just by going through my normal routines makes me feel kinda sick to my stomach.  Ferris wheel WAY DOWN and the need to hurl is close to the surface.  We'll see what happens after my weigh in.  Wish me luck...

Manna from Heaven!

So as I approach my 50 pound weight loss goal (only 4 pounds away as of June 10) I am left in a quandary.  I need to find ways to keep myself motivated, ways to reward myself that are not food.  So today I gave myself an almost there gift, I purchased sports bottoms.  Capris, shorts and pants.  The shorts and capris are compression pants.  I just used the capris to work out and I LOVE them.  They really do make my workout feel different so I'm going to keep them up.  I'm so happy with that particular purchase I'm going to tell the world.  I already told my cousin about it.  Because, of course, she's my soundboard.  Those pants felt so good I'm now amped to keep using them and working out in them.  I'm definitely feeling motivated to keep moving:)

Now, the next question is what will I gift myself as a reward for my next actual milestone.  I want to do something about my 50 lbs weight loss and I'm thinking of something that will be drastic and never before done by me........wait for it......a pedicure! Can you imagine?  I've never done a pedicure.  People who know me, know that: 1. I don't like my feet to be touched and 2. I can do it myself so I don't see why I would pay someone else to do it.  Now the question is going to be where am I going to go and who am I going to take with me?  This is a big decision.  I need people with me who will know what a momentous occasion this is going to be for me and give said occasion its due reverence.  Lol.  Or if not that, someone who will stand between me and the door so I don't run out of there as if my hair was on fire.  (Because I've actually had my hair catch fire and running is your first instinctive response).   It's one of those crazy things but with 50 lbs of loss I'm close to what I think I want the halfway mark to be.  What makes it crazy is because I'm actually feeling like I'm going to get there and because I'm actually thinking beyond food.  And, I say I think its close to the halfway point because I have not given that final goal number an actual thought.  But I'm good for it!  So these little gifts to me are going to be my manna to sustain me and keep me going until I reach the promised land!  Someday I will be finding my GOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!

Whoa!

I don't know why but I was feeling a bit apprehensive as I headed to my meeting Sunday morning.  I knew that I had been good this week.  I tracked as much as possible, made good choices, and worked out.  I was not at all expecting to see any weight gain; however, I was still feeling a little nervous.  Well, I certainly don't know why.  I lost another 5.4 lbs bring my total weight loss to 43.6 lbs.  Can you believe it?  If it wasn't for the fact that I'm the one actually doing this, I certainly would have a hard time putting two and two together.

So now I'm trying to ask myself, "what did you do differently this week and do you want to repeat it, or try something new?"  Well 1st, I switched up my eating a bit.  Lean Cuisines are my new life savers. They have their Points Plus value right on the label, so I know exactly what I'm getting.  Since I know that vegetables are worth 0 points, I've been padding the lean cuisines with huge portions of vegetables.  Its a win/win for me. I'm not going crazy cooking and looking at portion sizes and food is done within a brief few minutes so I'm not suffering from that, I need to eat NOW anxiety I get.  I decided I would start eating these lean cuisines for lunch rather than for dinner.  Then, I could just have a dinner that is much more sensible and not as heavy.  A salad or a yogurt with fixings.  Stuff like that and so far so good.

Also and probably the most important thing, I made sure to workout.  Now, I've spoken before (just recently actually) about how much I hate to sweat.  And, now that I've been working out pretty regularly I have started sweating in all kinds of ways.  When I'm done working out I have wet patches on my back and thighs, there's sweat accumulated on my face, in my hair, around my boobs, and I usually have this glow-y look on my arms.  Well, last Friday I got a shock and a half.  My arm wasn't just glow-y it was leaking.  I felt something trickling down my arm and when I looked I actually had sweat running off of my arm.  First of all let me say...eeewww.  I was sooo disgusted I immediately had to wipe my arm off, it just felt wrong to be dripping.  On a smaller "nastiness" scale it was kind of cool to know that I was working so hard I actually could see the fruits of my labor.  Now if I can just get past how truly freakish I find that, this could be the start of something great!!

So here's to all kinds of pleasant surprises:)

Who said that?

So I'm sitting here at work, miserable!!  I'm tired of repeating the same things over and over to my students; who seem to get progressively more brain dead as we head to the end of the school year.  And, of course, we are also headed towards state exams, which is when their brains should be even more active.  And, I swear I am going to learn how to say "shut up" in at least 5 more languages to see if I can get this point across! I can't wait to get out of here and I'm so desperate to get out of here that I'm actually contemplating if I can make up a relative and then kill them off just so I can leave early.  Suddenly, and seemingly out of nowhere, as I begin to picture what I would do if I could get out of this place I actually saw myself first stopping at the gym and then driving off into the sunset.  Did you get that...Stopping. At. The. Gym....I actually shocked myself with that thought! That thought could not have come from me.  I do not "like" the gym so why would I want to stop there?  Well it seems it's where I want to be and who am I to deny myself anything (other than Coca Cola, or as I have come to think of it in my deprived mind "Ambrosia of the Gods")  Now to turn this into motivating momentum for later on when I will actually be able to go to the gym! Here's to hoping for a day which goes by quickly, my suppression of the instinct to choke one of these damn students, and actually making it to the gym!

The Physical Challenge!

I used to love the gameshow Double Dare on TV.  The show was part trivia questions, part obstacle course.  If you could not answer a question or thought the other team couldn't you dare them to do it, and then they could dare you back until you got to the point where you had no choice but to compete by taking on something physical rather than mental.  The obstacles came in the form of physical challenges which usually involved someone running around or squatting awkwardly, while someone else spent their time filing a cup with a line that was attached to the squatter with some kind of liquid.  I hated the physical challenges, they made me cringe.  I was always the person yelling at my tv screen, telling the contestants to answer the question so they wouldn't be as tortured as I imagined I would be with that stupid challenge.  I knew that if it were me and we had a physical challenge we would lose but, if it was all flexing my brain muscles I could probably beat the other team.  The physical challenges required way too much movement and hand-eye coordination to appeal to me.

This is how it has always been with moving.  Unless I was dancing, the less I moved the better.  To me, sweating was nasty and people who sweat, stank...ironic really considering that I loved to work up a sweat from dancing, in this situation sweating meant I was doing it well.  Regardless all of my former reasons meant I avoided physical activity to some extent.  Of course that didn't stop me from being on the basketball team in the eighth grade (I had really cute coaches) or the band in high school (I joined as a favor to friend), it's just that aside from that crazy basketball thing which I was terrible at (theres just no getting away from the whole hand-eye thing), the marching band was a lot of slow walking and taking really deep breaths to I could play my fife.  Unless it was really hot, there was no sweating involved in that and I was so terrible at the basketball I was barely called on to play anyway.  No, sweating, grunting, panting, all of these things were the enemy to my state.

So here I am decades later and getting up is still my biggest challenge and so Weight Watchers wants to kill me by setting up their 6 Week Active Living challenge.  I say they want to kill me of course because it's like the people there psychically know this is going to be the hardest thing for me and so they set this up just to torture me.  For 6 weeks you can track your activities online and maybe win some prizes.  Of course I joined it.  I need to start getting up and maybe this is a good way to challenge myself.  I'm getting over my sweat issue.  No really, despite what I said earlier about sweating being my own personal terrorism threat, I'm growing quite fond of working one up.  At the gym if I don't sweat after my elliptical workout I get kinda bummed.  I purchased a heart rate monitor that will tell you how many calories you've burned.  I push myself to see that heart rate number go up, to know my heart is pumping.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to blow a heart valve or anything but I am slowly beginning to see how the whole working out thing can be appealing.  It does alter your mood, your self-esteem, its benefits feel almost instant.  (Of course so does the pain, but lets not focus on the negative, right?)

So now I consider myself physically challenged.  I'm going to start wearing my pedometer again, start working out consistently, keep tracking my points and start tracking my activity.  I might win one of their prizes and even if I don't the weight loss all that exercising will turn into makes me a winner in the end.  Its a win/win the more I lose! Here's to winning by losing for the next 6 weeks:)

Falling off the Wagon

Ok so I had two weeks of great, followed by a week of not so hot and you know what?  I'm ok, so this is either growth or the first step in giving up.  I'm thinking I like the sound of growth better.  My total weight loss went to 37.2 lbs (woo hoo) but then that loss was followed by Mother's Day, where I did really well and then really terribly! My friends were all super cool and I had a wonderful breakfast that consisted of a Parfait and then 1 pancake w/ suger free syrup.  Mmm mmm mmm.  But then we had dinner and although I did great at the end I started mindlessly picking at the food around me.  Chips, guacamole, more chips...it just did not go well. Since then I have not been back to a meeting and I have the feeling today will be categorized by a weight gain. However, I choose to use that number, whatever it might be, as feedback not failure and as the impetus to begin again. I may have fallen off the wagon but luckily it's going slow enough for me to get up, dust myself off and jump back on!

Motivation! Keep it coming.

Today's Weight Watchers meeting was about what got you motivated and keeps you motivated. I'd have to say for me they are definitely not the same thing. I began attending weight watchers because I had been asked to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding. She's opted out of the wedding in favor of buying a house with her fiancé (smart cookie that girl is) but I'm still going to meetings. I'm not sure what's motivating me right now. I think it's a combination of things...I'm still holding out for her wedding, I think this blog, my cousins, my friends, my clothes, meetings. Motivation is coming at me from a bunch of little places and I think that's the way is has to be for me.

When my cousin's mom emailed me, that kept me going another week, when I reached my first milestone that kept me going a week. My life is now going week to week. I don't think too far ahead. I can't picture myself at goal, hell I don't even know what goal is. All I know is that every week I have that weigh in and every week the attempt to lose one more pound begins again and that for the rest of my life I have another week to go either to finally reach my goal (when i decide what that is) or to stay there. So here's to motivation:)

The Chef next Door is The AntiChrist!!

I posted my last entry during my lunch period today.  At 11:23, I clicked publish; at 11:24, the bell rang; at 11:25 the chef next door comes up to me with a piping hot chocolate souffle that just came out of the oven and which he insisted I eat right away while it was still warm!! So after I grumble to him that he is ruining my diet, I take a taste, it melts in my mouth and 20 minutes later half of a VERY generous portion is gone!! Lord deliver me!! Did I actually say that work was a good place to keep to my diet?  I take it all back!! You know I went on wikipedia and looked up Antichrist (I know, not the end all, be all of reference material but it can often get the job done) and it said "The antichrist will seemingly provide for the needs of the people but deny them ultimate salvation."  The chef next door is this person, if I did not love this man so much for his wit and generosity I would hate him!! And isn't that what the Antichrist is trying to get us all to do?...why am I being punished?  And the thing is, I'm not obligated to eat any of it and I know, but it genuinely is really good food, and the chef and the kids do such a great job it is really hard to say no.  Now the trick is to give away the other half of the this souffle, please Lord (the real one this time) let my service student come today so she can eat all of this!!  I just can't take it:(

Update: It has been over a year since this post! lol.  Today is the 16th of May of 2013.  I'm much closer to my goal than I was then but still not there. And, after a year, I still can't say no, the food is still delicious, and I think I just have to deal with it.  I'm willfully falling into sin! Chef 1 - Me 0 (but what a delicious way to go down! lol).

What's that saying about God and work?

I'm actually grateful to have a job.  Not because of altruistic reasons like educating the future minds of America, or being grateful to be able to pay my bills and live my life or feed my family, or the seemingly esoteric reason of having health insurance but because it keeps my eating in line.  I find that while I'm at work small manageable meals are doable and not so daunting.  At home for reasons mentioned before, I can't seem to get a hold of my eating but at work it's usually no problem.  Of course there is the ever dangerous cooking class which is right next door, but for the most part it's all good and gravy (if you'll pardon the pun).  So last week when I was given the opportunity to teach summer school again I jumped on it.  I figured it was going to be the only way to survive this summer!

Of course with all things there comes a price and that price is generosity.  It is nothing but generosity that keeps the chef next door feeding us whenever he can.  But generosity pops out at you when you least expect it (and sometimes when its unwelcome, a frustratingly frustrating oxymoron in and of itself...unwelcome generosity) Yesterday was my friend Erin's birthday.  I decided to get her a cake to share with her 1st period Honor's class, because she loves them and because she (and they) have been doing a totally awesome job of tackling one of my favorite plays which I suggested we do together this summer and that she had to do on her own because my classes were switched.  Anyway, she generously gave cake to her kids, brought me a thankfully small piece and gave some to our other work BFF next door and her internee.  So yesterday he thanks me and tells me the cake was delicious, I tell him he is most welcome and I'm glad he enjoyed it  and today he (figuratively) kicks me in the shins and gifts me for the cake by bringing me a glazed doughnut!! I mean, What-The-Hell?  Dude? Really?  A thank you was MORE than enough.  Here I am trying to eat sensibly and you come cutely bearing a doughnut!! And GLAZED!! One of my F-A-V-O-R-I-T-E-S!! It couldn't be a chocolate?  Or that plain kind that tastes like sweetened cardboard?  I want to give it away so badly, but feel so badly at the thought of giving it away.  I recognize that this is going to be a part of my learning to reject food but it has pitfalls, the plan to give it away.  This will become a mission in and of itself.  Students love announcing when you have given something to them that you didn't give to anyone else.  I cannot run the risk of a kid walking through the hallway talking about how delicious the doughnut Ms. Martinez gave him/her was.  It's like I can't win for losing!! Pitfalls, pitfalls everywhere pitfalls!  I must now figure out a way to get rid of this doughnut which is sitting in its DD bag teasing and taunting me with its yummy goodness.  Wish me luck.  Work is going to be my life change and salvation or destruction.

Still I'm grateful for my job...I guess:-/

Silence may be golden but it can say a lot!

I've been pretty upset these past two weeks.  Emotional lows left me out of the mood to do things like track my foods and exercise.  My exercising was half hearted with lots of eating of things I should not have eaten in between.  Then yesterday was the big one.  I had eaten my three square meals, exercised for the day, felt pretty good and then I had company.  Company, who expressed being hungry after having barely eaten and to me it sounded like I needed to find a solution to the problem, and when asked "are you hungry" the polite thing to do was to reply "sure I can eat".  Fast forward a half hour later and I found myself in a restaurant answering the question "are you gonna get a drink" with "Can I have a wildberry frozen lemonade?"  At the end of a meal we shared a desert because why not just go for broke?  Then I went home and went to bed...

Today, I get up go to my meeting and the lady behind the counter, after my weigh in, just gives me my sticker with my weight info and says nothing to me.  Up until this point the people who weigh me in tell me about my weight loss no matter how small, they give me a smile and a good job message.  Once I even got a high five.  When I got nothing from her I knew, I just knew that I was going to see a gain and sure enough there it was.  My gain was not catastrophic, not even a full pound, but the silence from that woman began a sense of doom that is sticking with me until now.  The problem is that I know what my problem is and yet the behavior won't leave me.  I wasn't tracking, hadn't gone to a meeting in two weeks, wasn't working out like I should have been and then I was just not saying no when offered, or asked to indulge in, what I should not have.

What gets me upset is that even as I'm saying yes, I'm thinking no.  But I feel bad, guilty to let people eat alone, guilty to ask for something light if someone else is having a whole meal, guilty to say no to food when its offered to me.  I don't know how to change this or if I will.  I know I have to keep going and trying cause I just don't think I can take anymore silence.

My mind is so much stronger than...my mind.

I need to get the hell out of my house!  I think I am going stir-crazy.  I've downed some 50 pieces of lemonhead candies because I was craving something sweet and suddenly remembered I had them in my bag.  They were a gift.  The problem is not so much that I ate the candies but rather that I had them after I had fixed a bowl of oatmeal with cranberries and almonds because I was hungry.  Why can't I just ignore what seems to be the perpetual needs of my stomach.  I go through this internal struggle in my mind that I end up losing against myself.  Everything defeats me, boredom, work, happiness, stress, it all leads back to the need for food.  I have a lack of control when it comes to the things that I put in my mouth.  I have no self-control and that leads to a lack of self-respect and acceptance.  It upsets me that I cannot seem to win this war.   Conquering food is the hardest thing that it seems I've ever attempted to do, the one insurmountable obstacle, the impossible dream.  I'm frustrated and I know that this is the time when I need to work the hardest at what I am doing, but it feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle.  I need to keep the positive thoughts in my head.  If this was easy it wouldn't be worth it right?  Except that for some people, millions of people in fact, this is easy.  But that won't help me, will it?

Happy thoughts.  Tomorrow I begin again.  This reminds me of a poem my professors gave me when I was going to become a teacher.  I think it will serve me better now, and at each new beginning of conquering my problems with weight:

The Non-conformist

Today as many times before
the sun has lit a streak of fire in the sky.
But in the morning of the new day
I am pushed from the hastening trolley bus
like a cork from a bottle.

Men and women love the dawn for its freshness,
for its promise of new beginnings.

In the morning therefore,
I am not frightened
that I have chosen to live a life
unlike that of other young men.

-Anatoly Ivanushkin

It still applies so much to every day when I wake up and go off to teach my kids, but I know if I try it can bring me to a new place.  It's the power of poetry.

In the morning therefore...I begin again.

The power of nothing!

I find that a true enemy of weight loss is the ever dangerous and ever present....boredom.  Boredom sneaks up on me.  I could be perfectly fine reading a book, watching a movie, or staring into space when I suddenly find myself beset by boredom.  What happens then? I get hungry.  Its like boredom and hunger go hand in hand.  There is something entertaining about eating I think.  I guess its the act of putting the food together, actually engaging in eating and then the feeling of satiation afterwards, except just like getting high the euphoric feeling is temporary and eventually the boredom that lead you there comes back.  It is hard to fathom just how hard it is to combat boredom.  I wish my boredom lead me to want to do something different like workout or write the next great American novel, but alas no.  My boredom leads me to want to stuff my face 'til I burst.  Gorge and burst, that's my motto.  Boredom seems unconquerable.  How am I supposed to fight something as strong and ever present as boredom?  I believe the worst part of boredom is that I can be bored while doing something I otherwise enjoy.  It is this aspect of boredom that makes fighting it even harder.  I ALWAYS enjoy eating,  Eating is never one of those boring things that I find no entertainment in.  I need some redirection in my life but I'll see what comes up.  Perhaps a hobby?  Something that takes up more brain power, or hand use....something, cause I'm about to be done in by something that basically amounts to nothing.  I hate being bored!

Off to the Races...

I seem to be in a rush to finish every meal, why is that?  This morning I decided to indulge and have a bacon egg and cheese.  I ate the first half of it only and left the second half for lunch a few hours later.  I began eating at 11:30 by 11:34, I was finished.  That's crazy.  It actually hurt to have finished that thing that quickly, it felt like it got stuck somewhere on its way down and it made my heart quicken.  What is my rush?  I seem incapable of just taking my time with a meal.  I don't know where that stems from.  Maybe its because growing up we never actually sat down to meals, instead eating was secondary to whatever else we were doing.  I never pay attention to what I eat and when I do I feel a little foolish.  If I stop and think about chewing my food I feel like anyone who looks over will think that I'm being weird because I feel like purposely chewing slow causes me to make weird faces.  Although the truly weird part is that I'm not sure why I feel that way even when I'm alone.  What's that all about?  I'm not sure how to engage in slowing down without feeling like an idiot!  I've been told to count how many times I chew, put my fork down in between bites, wait a 30 secs to 1 min in between bites but all of that feels weird.  How am I expected to eat and enjoy a meal if I am also doing calculations?

Well I went online and guess what?  There's an app for that!! Its this app that has a green light that tells you when to eat, a yellow to warn you that its time to slow down and a red one to tell you to stop.  Upside? Its programmable so you can set the time intervals.  Downside? If its on, the phone will shut itself off automatically after what it considers a period of inactivity, the phone cannot tell you are actively using the app.  I can of course set the phone to stay on but then that will...1. kill my battery and 2. take too much time to set up if I have to do that whole turning it on and off thing EVERY TIME I eat. And then I discovered an upside that turned into a downside.  It has a vibrating function for when you are out dining among people so you don't have to have it on in front of you.  You can keep it in your pocket and just follow the feel of it vibrating to warn you.  The down, down, downside...I'm just soooo.....how do I say this?.... REALLY REALLY FAT that I can't feel it vibrating in my pocket.

(sigh) Back to the drawing board!! AGAIN!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

27 lbs lost? WHAT?!?! How happy am I? I'm so happy I immediately started craving some of my cousin's delicious rhubarb pie. Mmmmmm.... Ahhhh, the food cravings never go away do they? I'm happy and so I turn to food, just like when I'm unhappy I turn to food. So I'm taking my happiness and running to something more positive. I'm going to go home and do some exercise to celebrate!! That's my gift to me. Cause otherwise this might turn into a not so happy moment. But either way I'm off to the races:)

Email to a great person!!!

I sent out an email to a great person and I wanted to share a part of the email with everyone.  It's coming in at the middle (sort of) so don't worry if you don't understand the very beginning.  It's more what I say about myself that I'd like people to focus on anyway.

"...I look forward however to being in the place where you seem to be, where it is just a natural part of who I am and the life I lead to be conscious of food and to use it to feed my body when I need it, not how I use it now to feed my body even when I don't need it and to feed my emotions all the time.  I find that it is the psychological toll, as much as the physical one, that this weight has taken on me which makes this so hard.

However, I am learning about staying positive (which is perhaps one of the hardest things I have had to learn, one would think eating better would be the hard part but it strangely isn't).  Positive thinking is so anathema to my way of being, I don't know why negativity rules me so much but it seems to be ingrained.  I think what has made this journey so different from the ones before it is the support and the number of people who seem to want to see me succeed.  And, I know that the reason is because I am so much more willing to be open about this journey then ones I have taken before.  Other times weight loss has felt like a private burden I have to bare, something to be ashamed of because my weight was my fault but it doesn't feel that way this time. Or, at least not totally.  And that's something I also have slowly needed to learn to deal with as well.  But, I'm trying. I'm just hoping that I don't decide to throw the towel in before the final round!"

End of email!  I know its back to back with my other post but some of this I think needed to be shared.

Party in my Pants, and You're invited!

So a student looks at me today and says..."Miss, you look like you're wearing pajamas."  Imagine my dismay when I look down and see that she's right, my pants which I just bought this past September for the beginning of the school year do indeed look like something I'd wear to lounge around my house.  Those pants are now at least 1 size too big and they looked a little like clown pants.  (insert circus music here)

Now slight insult aside, I was feeling a crazy mix of emotions.  I'm going to focus on the top three. I was pleased, frustrated, and a little sad.  I'm starting to think I'm just on the cusp of an emotional breakthrough or insanity.  I was pleased that in her own way, although she basically was telling me I was not dressed appropriately, she was inadvertently complementing me on my weight loss.  My pants never looked like pajamas before and the only thing that's different about me is the 22lbs I'm not carrying around.  I was frustrated at the immediate following thought of "oh no, this means I need to buy more clothes soon, but I can't afford them".  And finally I was a bit sad, sad that my weight situation has taken me to such a point that this one comment about the state of my pants could lead me on an emotional roller coaster.  I have never been able to take a compliment, I fret and cry over insults, but to be so moved by a simple observation means I need to start thinking about my emotional responses a little more.  Which by the way can get really exhausting!  So here's to contemplating more of what makes me, me, and not needing to turn to cookies when I think my emotions are getting the better of me.

Perhaps this pants party is getting to be more than I can handle!!

Just keep swimming

So I was again dreading coming to a meeting. This week I was upset because my car was in the shop and I wasn't sleeping well or getting a chance to exercise because I kept having to deal with getting to and from work. I only worked out twice. Once Monday and once Thursday. Not very motivational. I barely tracked so begrudgingly added what I was eating, it was extremely hard because of the feeling of guilt I had over not being healthy in my eating. Then of course I was at work eating girls scout cookies. Trefoils and Samoas are so delicious and such an indulgence. I needed to indulge. So I came to the meeting with dread in my heart. The results are a sign of just how little I understand food or how this program really works.

I got to my weigh-in and found I was down 3lbs!! How is that possible? I know you get extra points and stuff but I used them. I had steak 2 nights in a row. Alcohol. Some cream covered/smothered chicken and potatoes. It was all more then I thought was going to still help me keep my weight loss going. So when I saw such a significant weight drop after two weeks of less then a pound of weight loss, my confusion was complete. I think I need to look more closely at all of the foods I actually eat. I think I'm missing something but I'm going to keep going until I figure it out. And, if I never do but reach my goal then at least I'll know I was doing something right.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swwwwiiiiiimmmmmm.

Setback times two.

So Sunday I had my weigh in and it was MUCH LESS than I had hoped for. I had only a .4lb weight loss. But that days meeting was about positive thoughts so the good thing is that I lost. Bringing my total up to 19lbs. Woohoo. Negativity is an issue with me. I find that if I'm feeling down, which is often, I get hungry. But lately it seems as if my mind can't distinguish between sadness and hunger. Just yesterday I was lying in bed and I felt hungry. I did the usual stopping and asking myself, "am I really hungry?". The only answer I could come up with was "I think so." I eventually had a light string cheese but I was left with the disconcerting feeling that I still don't know whether I was hungry or not. How can a person not tell if they're really hungry even when they step back to examine themselves? Maybe I asked myself the wrong questions. If so, I need to figure out what the right questions are because I can see this being a serious hurdle in my weight loss.

Setbacks!

No workout for me! I'm afraid of going to my meeting tomorrow. This week I have tracked but I've had an exercising setback. Because of going to a forum, my need to grade, and dinner plans I didn't get to exercise at all! So not cool.

I am anticipating that tomorrow may be the first day of either weight gain or simply not losing. Either of those two scenarios would be personally devastating. What I need to keep in mind however, is that it is not the end and that I don't start over on Monday I start over immediately. I think that anticipating the negative emotions will help me deal with them in a healthy manner. Rather than trying to eat my way to feeling better, I can face them and come out on top. At least that's what I'm hoping for. (Of course I'm saying all this while deep down inside still hoping for at least some kind of weight loss.)

Well. Today is another day and all that! I might as well get up and start now. Right? I need motivation!

Trying to work it out!

So yesterday I exhibited my usual inability to say no to food and said yes to this fruit tart that the chef next door to me sent a student with. Mmmmm.....it was all kinds of delicious.  That would not have been so bad if later that day I didn't decide to go out and celebrate my coworker's birthday.  Now in terms of alcohol consumption I was a good girl.  One glass of cabernet sauvignon.  However the fried wings were another matter entirely.  They were little half wings with a side of blue cheese dressing.  Of course the first serving I had 4 because I was still trying to be a good girl, but, by the second serving of 5 more I felt like crap.  I quickly upon finishing it had a glass of water and then called it a night.  I don't know that I have ever run away from hanging out but that's exactly what I did.  I recognized that my will power was not stronger than that tray of wings, so I cut out.

I'm both proud and annoyed at myself.  My fat ass could not take the heat of being near fatty, fried and delicious food, I felt like an alcoholic in the middle of a bar (Not a bad analogy since I was, in fact, in the middle of a bar). However, I was proud that I had the will power to get out at all, a few weeks ago I would have said "screw it, I'll start over tomorrow" and proceeded to devour those chickens like a fox in a hen house.

I came home, I worked out, had residual guilt and worked out again this morning.  Plus I'm anticipating I may be going out to have a few drinks tonight, and as I've said in previous posts that's a whole epic journey in itself.

State of mind? Strangely optimistic, exasperated with myself and proud.

Can't say no!

I have this terrible habit of feeling bad about saying no to food.  Saying yes to food and telling you how much I love the food you are giving me is my way of saying "I love you".  Not a good thing when you're watching your weight and a downright TERRIBLE thing when you're morbidly obese.  Its crazy that I sometimes find myself incapable of saying "I do love you and that you would offer me this deliciously decadent piece of ...(insert food here), but I can't eat it" as if people will take it personally should I refuse food.

Case in point.  My parents just got back from the Dominican Republic.  Of course like any self-respecting Dominicans they come fully loaded with goodies to distribute to their children.  I got the requisite bottle of liquor and my cousin sent me a brick of "dulce de leche".  To non-Dominican's dulce de leche is a sweet caramel like substance made from milk and sugar.  The Dominican version is much denser, giving off a consistency that is closer to fudge or a brownie than caramel like pudding.  In essence its just a brick of sugar, a diabetics worse nightmare, a hypoglycemic's wet dream!  I have no intention of eating this thing.  Once upon a time I would have hoarded it and eaten it as fast as possible so that no one would try to take any from me, yes I was both that fat and that greedy, but I'm trying to change.  I had the perfect chance to tell my mom, "Aww that's so sweet but I'm on a diet you should give it to people at church, or some kids, or ANYONE WHO ISN'T ME!" But of course I didn't.  What if it got back to my cousin that I didn't take it? So now I have this thing in my house and I'm thinking I'm going to start giving pieces away to my neighbors or something.  Or bring it in to work to distribute.  Anything to get that thing out of my house. 

I need to take a lesson in learning how to communicate a little better, for an English major I need to work on my use of words.  Why am I afraid of angering or upsetting people by rejecting food? 

So I have decided on this Note to Self: Rejection of food is not rejection of the person who made it. (Repeat to self until ingrained in sub-cranium)

First Goal Down!!

A day of many firsts! I reached my first weight loss goal. Weigh Watchers has some preset goals that participants are encouraged to engage in. You can set whatever goal you would like but their first two suggestions are 5% and 10% of your weight. So I hit the first goal and lost 5% of my weight. It was only 14 pounds and it took 5 weeks and it feels great, steady and strong. I'm very happy about that.

Another first was using the recipe book given to me by Cathy!! The only problem was that it took me 3 supermarkets and 2 boroughs to shop for it. That makes me apprehensive. I hope everything doesn't take that long to shop for. But, on a happier note, it was delicious! It was the "Complete & Utter Oatmeal Insanity" and it was delicious. I'm excited to see what I can do next!

Two goals reached in one day! Very cool:)

Slippery-"soberless"-Slope

I went out for some drinks with the girls yesterday. Now drinks are a tricky thing. They are definitely fattening because they are all carbs/sugars. And, unlike other fattening liquids like juices or soda, with alcohol and my friends in the mix, if you're not over doing it, well then you are just not doing it right. It's a temptation that's hard to resist.

It seems that since with weight watchers everything is about the points that you're eating, alcohol is one of those point consumers that make you really question whether you should even eat at all during the day so that you can have enough points to drink during the night...At least in my alcohol induced mind.

Of course the easiest thing to do would probably be to forgo the alcohol altogether. Then I could eat whatever meals I wanted. But who wants to do that? Not me. That becomes one of those restrictions that would make this seem more of a diet then a better way to eat. Diets end, life changes don't. I want to be able to overindulge once in a while and have a few drinks. In the end I have to keep in mind its a good thing there's always extra points just for that. Otherwise, I might have to give up thinness for the sake of enjoying myself with my friends....naaaaah, that would be crazy! Right?

Oh God!! Both Exercise & Mother issues!!

So I went to my usual therapy session and had a convo w/ her about my mom!! Turns out that one of the reasons I might have a hard time believing that NO ONE at the gym is going to be looking at me and snickering and making fun of me behind my back, is because as a kid my family (my mom included, and believe me it's true we actually have it on video) used to make fun of me for being fat. I guess even when they stop doing it, it creates all kinds of ingrained issues! Who knew?

Now it wasn't one of those weepy, "why doesn't anyone love me?" moments it was just a quiet, "huh, imagine that" kind of moment but it might explain a lot. I'll see where this "breakthrough" leads me. In the meantime today I got up and busted a groove with my Dance Central. And, my new personal challenge is every other day for four weeks!! That means 4 weeks to get into the habit of exercising and get out of the lazy-butt habit!! It's my very own 28 day rehab!! March 20th here I come!!!

Motivation is missing

I missed two weeks of meetings and didn't know what would happen when I went back. I thought this is it. I'm going to go back and find that I gained a millions pounds and I'm not ever going back again. I was pleasantly surprised to learn I had lost 5 pounds instead. This brought my totally weight loss to 10 pounds. I was very excited and happy about that, because in the end it all came down to tracking.

My problem now is that I can't get off my butt and do some exercising. I think about it (ALL THE TIME) and I get dressed (sometimes), I just can't seem to get started. So a new goal! Start getting up and moving around. Perhaps lazy-butt syndrome is what I have. Is that a disease? Because, it feels viral and contagious.

Unique just like everyone else...

Exactly how many people are on weight watchers?  I've decided to be open about my weight watchers journey.  Because yes, its much like being a recovering alcoholic.  "Hi, my name is Zulay and I'm a lazy, over eater." Or like coming out of the closet  "Mom, Dad, I'm fat."  I figure the more people who know the more who will help me make better decisions about it. But it seems that every other person I tell has either been on weight watchers themselves or knows someone close to them who has been on it. And its not that I have a problem with that, it's that i wonder why no one asked me to come along.  It's like the world's best kept secret.

Yesterday I mentioned it to another teacher who is in a professional development with me. It was completely random. She decided to go with me and my colleague to lunch. Now it turned out that this colleague had also been on weight watchers once upon a time and still thinks of meals in terms of points. Apparently, once you become a part of this particular cult you find yourself a member for life.  I wanted a salad and since this girl wanted to come with us I felt a need to share the reason why we couldn't just go to the first place we came across. Turns out she was perfectly ok with our decision because she too had been on weight watchers. It became the topic of our lunchtime conversation.   Every time this happens, finding out one more person has a personal connection to weight watchers,  it feels like what happens when you buy a new car. You pick something because it feels unique and all yours, and after you bring it home it feels like every other car on the street is the same as yours.

She was very encouraging and we discussed all the reasons she decided to join, because looking at her you would have no clue that she would ever have a need for something like weight watchers.  It was encouraging and interesting.

I wonder what would happen if I suddenly asked everyone I knew the question "Have you, or anyone you know, ever been on weight watchers?"  I wonder how many I'd get to before I reached Kevin Bacon...

Breakfast Anyone?

My brothers and I seemed perfectly spaced for our high school years.  When one was entering their freshman year another was graduating.  So about the time that my brother went off to high school and I found myself the last sibling in grade school, my mother decided I was old enough to go to school by myself or with friends.  At roughly that same time, I got another option as well; I could wake up early and make sure I had breakfast, or I could sleep a little longer and skip breakfast before going to school.  Like any self-respecting, cool and "not knowing what's good for me" preteen would do, I decided sleep was much more important then breakfast and thus began my moratorium on breakfast.  In this fashion I made it through grade school, high school, college, grad school, and becoming a teacher.

Its not that I never ever had breakfast, just rarely on a weekday, or weekend that I wasn't in Jersey if we're talking about the last five years for that matter, fast forward 20+ years and over 100 pounds, and I found myself sitting in my first ever weight watchers meeting getting reprimanded by the lady next to me about the importance of breakfast.  By the end of the meeting I was making both a promise and a pledge that from that day on (or the next day since breakfast was long over by then) I would start having breakfast.  Sure you're a strange woman I met 5 minutes ago, sure you have a death grip on my hand like a woman in her 10th hour of labor, but you are also a woman who quite obviously cares about breakfast and her fellow man's lack there-of, and isn't this what I joined for, to have support and help, no matter how off-putting and forceful the source?  So I promised, that no matter how small or insignificant the portion, no matter how pressed for time I may be, I would have breakfast, and I did.  I kept the promise for exactly 14 days, and then today happened...

Running late, frantic to get out of the house so I wouldn't be in trouble, I skipped breakfast and you know what I found?  Your body gets used to eating things quickly!  For years I have managed to go for upwards of 6 and sometimes more hours on not a single bite, 2 weeks of breakfast and I can't make it past 10am.  By 10 o'clock I was STARVING, cranky, pissed, starving, restless, starving, I had a headache and did I mention that I was starving?  It was the craziest thing.  Who the hell am I?  Great, so already my personality is changing along with my eating habits!  Have I become one of those horrible people who eat your head off when they haven't had their coffee or something?  Am I an addict?  A Breakfast maniac?  Or, (gasp) have I turned into the woman at the meeting, soon to find myself holding hands with perfect strangers eliciting promises about their eating habits from them?  Has my lack of breakfast made me slightly insane?  Maybe, maybe not, but I'll tell you this much, I think tomorrow I'll be sure not to oversleep.

So today's post is a warning, if I ever get pissy with you from this moment on, just ask me if I've had any breakfast.

First One. Recipes.

My cousin said I should start blogging my experience with weight watchers.  At 4:30 this morning I thought "why the hell not?".

Just to put my self image into perspective, I'm the biggest person (female) I know.  And, here's the gist of how I feel...like a loafer is a world full of pumps. (that's both a shoe and an activity analogy, go me!).

Hardest thing so far? I'm running out of things to eat.

Yesterday I made up a meal by literarily smelling a bunch of stuff in the fridge.  I started with ginger; anything that smelled like a match I threw in.  By the time I was finished I had ginger, an orange bell pepper, red onion, and a green apple ready to throw in my skillet, its like a I was building a rainbow in a pan.  How much of each thing did I put in do you ask? Damned if I know, I didn't think to measure...I'm not a cook.

I know how to make what my mother taught me and not much beyond that.  Unfortunately, it turns out that Dominican food is like 18,000 points on the Weight Watchers scale and since I am currently limited to 41, I need to learn how to make something new.  I'm not good with recipes either.  I find myself completely lost and in need of looking up half the things on any recipe that sparks my interest.  So, suddenly one simple recipe has turned into a research project that would require charts, graphs and other visual aids to accomplish.  In the end I'm both hungry and frustrated, which only makes me even more hungry and doesn't help with what my "team leader" (that's what I'm calling the guy who runs my meetings) said we should do, which is to plan and prepare (my words not his).  I somehow don't think that to plan and prepare one recipe was supposed to require me to do enough research to then write a dissertation.